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I Am Every Bit Of What You See, And A Lot Of What You Don't See

When you look at me, when you listen to me, when you feel my spirit, I am everything that you perceive me to be.  I am kind and giving, I am deep and soulful, I am loving and patient.  I would, truly, do anything for those that I care about.  I am simple, and yet deeply complex, and those that care enough to want to know the deeper parts of me can weave through the intricacies of my heart, but will always know the truth and honesty about my soul.  Unwavering loyalty for all who are loyal to me.

The deeper someone digs within me, eventually they will find a side of me that they simply would not expect to find.  On the outside, i can be happy and outgoing, but within there is much dark sadness and many insecurities.  I've heard many say that they see beauty in me, and when I look at myself I see anything but that.  I am my own worst enemy, it is true.  I see every mistake and fault in myself, feeling unworthy of everything around me.  I have many fears, and they plague me at the most inopportune time.  For all the possibilities within my soul, to give love and care to those around me - for myself, my soul is broken and hurting.  I struggle to give the same love and care for others to myself.  I have moments of great strength and courage, and I learn to care for myself, but I have not learned it enough to make it a habit yet.  I am trying.

It is hard for me, when I know that people around me care for me for all the things they perceive me to be, only to find a moment when my darkest moments come through, and they bear witness to my sorrow within.  I don't like revealing that side of me, because I know it's a side of me that people just don't expect.  Perhaps I hide it well. 

I would love for people to perceive me the way that I am, without any surprises of that putrid other side.  It is possible that, someday, it may be that way.  When I can shed myself of my darkness, and live fully within my truest heart.  It just makes it easier for everyone when they don't have to deal with that side of me, it's a bit of a burden. 
Lucidblue Lucidblue 36-40, F 9 Responses May 8, 2011

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Yes, I found them getting shorter and shorter, and further and further apart. Progress seems good my friend :)

I have relapses, too, but they are certainly shorter than they used to be. At least that's progress!

It's been better, thank God, and continues to be a generally upward trend. That putrid dark pit is a classic desc<x>ription of depression, and nobody who's ever been there wants to go again, but I do find minor relapses from time to time, only a day or so at a time now, thank God.

I have been working on it for years, too. I am much happier than I once was, but I know that there are still pieces within that need mending. I know that life will never be perfect, but I never want to stay in that putrid, dark pit that once consumed me. It will get better. I hope that it gets better for you, too.

I've been working on that for years now, and am gradually making progress I find; I hope...

You hit me with that one....I seem to think others can't like me for what's inside. You're right, that's what I believe. I have to change that, I just don't know how... I know I'll figure it out.

Lucidblue, it takes a lot of courage to accept how things are on the inside. You're being honest with yourself and acknowledging it. I think that's a very powerful step. Some of the words you describe yourself with show you do seem to not value yourself much, and seem to think others can't like you for what is deep down inside. I think that is probably the essence of low self-esteem. Wish I knew how to fix that -- I'd be doing something about my own. I'm personally just trying to build it very gradually by doing things for myself...

Thanks BB - you're right, I am still healing. Sometimes it seems like an unending path. I hope I'll get there. I suspected that you might be able to relate to this...

You're still healing LB - you'll get there! I can relate to many of these feelings.