True Treasures

I think all my life, I have been proving others wrong in their perceptions of me. I don't live my life trying to be a defiance and a rebellion to others and their fancies, albeit guided or misguided. But it is a true treasure when their stipulations of me aren,t from education from other walks of life but rather education from getting to know me and the stipulations are not mere opinions but factual perceptions in certain areas of living.

I came into this world with half a brain, physical disabilities and extreme sensitivities to a lot of things that most can just shrug off but that have immobilized me or knocked me unconscious.

My physical disabilities are such that it affects my balance, finger dexterity and hand/eye coordination. I don't have mental disorders or illnesses. The fact that I don't look disabled can present an even bigger challenge based on how others treat me.

When I was in my mother's womb, she worked in a military lab in Hawaii where I am from and she worked in an area that was near but not right next to the radiation lab; so she was never advised to wear protective gear like those in the lab had to do. She had no way of knowing it affected me and only half of my brain developed.

The military lab no longer exists there. Something else exists there where it used to be.

Tests were done on me but back then, not only did the medical world not have advanced testing like it does today, but you can only do so much in testing a newborn baby, and some things just take time to see how baby develops in time.

I did not move on my own for a few years. I however was taught and could speak things and could recite the 66 books of the Bible and to this day, I can say them in 26 seconds.

The doctor had warned my mother and father when I was born that I'd die or be in the wheelchair the rest of my life, since I don't have the part of the brain that has control of motor skills and logical thinking. I only have the part that controls artistic abilities and emotional thinking. When I was four years old and could start walking and talking on my own, my mother took me to the doctor and showed him me and said "Here's your vegetable!"

I started having to use a real walker for kids - not the baby walker babies use to introduce them to walking - and Shriner's helped me.

I grew up in regular Christian schools and churches. People thought I should go to special education schools and group homes. My mom and dad kept me with them. I was sensitive to everything but back then it did not faze me how bad it was. Some relatives didn't believe I was disabled because I look able-bodied and was never in need of assistance around them. But yet, you expect me to do things someone who is not physically disabled, you will find out just how bad it is for me.

Even though I never had the logical thinking part of my brain, I over the years got awards for perfect memorization, school spirit, reading books, school grades, my character/personality and testimony, participation in various things, being on the Student Body Council, perfect attendance, and being a popular girl. I also graduated with a 3.0 which is huge if you don't have logical thinking.

Even though I never had the motor skills part of my brain, I could walk, do some physical exercises, be in the Girl Scouts, take care of other people's newborn babies in a team and by myself, do some chores, groom myself, etc.

I was born with really light colored skin considering my ethnicity - 1/2 Chinese Cantonese, 3/8 Black African, 1/8 Native American Choctaw. My mother is a light colored Chinese woman and when people see my baby pictures, they are completely blown away because I am just a teensy bit darker than her in them. I naturally am very light in color, much lighter than my brother and sister. I got darker from the sun, but in present day pictures, you can see it, and in black and white present day pictures, I am just a teensy bit darker than my mom. No one can accurately guess my ethnicity when they ask me off the Internet what my ethnicity is and I am 35 years old. Some guesses that still amaze me are Spanish, Filipino and Hawaiian. When I tell my ethnicity, they say they can see the Chinese in my eyes.

I've never been able to handle emotional pain. I was always a crybaby and a chicken. First time stress landed me in the hospital was after many years of wear and tear on my heart. I had not missed school before then. I missed school from having to be in the hospital and undergo medical procedures. From my sensitivity to being bullied and stuff. Others wanted me to be in a group home. My principal wanted me to drop some of my courses. My mom and dad wanted me to go to a public school. No. Yes. No. I was my friend and I knew Jesus was my Friend. No offense to anyone who does not believe in Jesus. I still was a happy person on the inside in spite of everything and it showed on the outside. I still think self-harmers don't really know true emotional pain just because they can handle terrorizing themselves and if you truly can't handle emotional pain from getting bullied and such, then you should be your own best friend and a true best friend wouldn't harm you.

I started writing inspirationally and getting into drawing and stuff, when I was 8 years old. The way my life is, I never have nothing to write about.

The first time I went semi-conscious from being so sensitive to emotional pain was when I was in college. I didn't even last two semesters. The medical folks called my family. I dropped out. The first time I actually went unconscious from emotional pain was in my early 20s. The first time I almost went into a coma from emotional pain was in my mid 20s.

I was always told by people they were concerned I'd die if I had sex because of how sensitive I am. Sad way to find out I can have sex and live was when I was sexually and physically abused every day for seven months in a group home I voluntarily joined in the pursuit of independent living since I have physical disabilities and was never on my own before in living.

Military pays my hospital bills and doctor bills and sometimes gives me money back.

I used to be an actress in Hawaii and even on local tv and signed autographs, talked to strangers who wanted to talk to me after seeing me on tv, the whole bit of it all. I was told it was expected people would see me at the Oscars one day. I consider that a compliment to me, but I know it can't happen.

I can't help being sensitive to how others treat me and talk to me knowing it could kill me if it got bad enough. BUT I CAN help not intentionally putting myself out there in a spotlight that is seen by some of today's biggest bullies, and so I don't go that route. I have to do what I can to take care of my sensitive heart. I know it sounds harsh, but I cannot comprehend how ANYBODY who says they were bullied and had body image issues would get into Hollywood where some of the biggest bullies can attack you even more than what you say you dealt with. I mean what's the whole world bullying you so to speak compared to just a few at school or in family or the community? Maybe it's one of those things that I'll never understand. There are two girls in Hollywood who say they were bullied when they were younger and others say that it was never true because they are the biggest bullies of Hollywood. One is a country star and one is a Disney alumni. I believe it about Taylor Swift. I don't believe it about Demi Lovato. But then I know I am biased when it comes to Demi.

My whole life to this day is filled with an existence and moments that are not what others expect. I consider the moments treasures that are true.
blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti
36-40, F
Sep 16, 2012