Not Me

I am your typical average middle class girl without tattoos or piercings with a plain face. I look 16 but im 23 and im seen as a sensible intellectual and overachieving girl with awesome grades. I act the way people expect me to act and my decisions also reflect their expectation.

I was my mothers rock through a liquidation of her company, being chased by creditors, complete and utter bankruptcy, eviction from home, my brothers car accident that left us in more debt and without a car, her lack of self esteem with regards to competency, her boyfriend break ups, her accusing me of having 'relations' with one of her younger boyfriends. I worked in highschool bringing in maximum $100 a week and food to have at least something for my brother and I, while she went on a business trip 2 months during my hsc year. I was alone and I couldnt tell anyone because of her shame and pride.

Everyone was ready to criticise her and noone was there to support her. I suffered and subsequently my grades in uni suffered severely - i still kept my mouth shut hoping it would go away. My problem is now that I got used to suffering and now I end up punishing myself. I have developed bulemia and binge eating, I see men as my enemy because of my fathers' beating my mother, I learned to push everyone away or keep them at a reasonable distance to prevent getting hurt or appearing weak. Show no weakness - to love was also a weakness . That was my motto as a 15 year old teenager because I believed that the world was out to get me and I was going to have to fight.

I am in my last year of five year double degree course and I dont think or dont want - I dont know - to finish it. I dont know if i can do this and if i dont get a job because of my **** grades what do I do then?? I started out wanting to go for a Phd and now...I dont know what im doing.

Now I have noone to fight but myself. Everyday I battle with myself to simply reach out to somebody and say hi or smile. Everyday I battle with myself insisting that it is ok to need or want help whether small or big. Im battling depression and my family knows but they dont know about my **** grades and failures. Im too ashamed.

Im also battling the yearning for death. I live every day wanting to die whilst other people halfway around the world or not even are struggling to survive. I am pretty much convinced that I do not deserve most of the things I receive including this life. what makes me feel this way???

This may all seem trivial to some or most people but I just needed to get this out.

annaky annaky
Feb 17, 2010