Seems Like I'm Not

Deep down inside I know that I will always have certain traits and act a certain way, when faced with different situations, but I am stronger and happier than I was before and that is a huge change in its self. I grew tired of feeling like I did, who wants to feel like they don't deserve to live? I couldn't cope with myself and now I've changed quite a bit, might not seem that way, but trust me when I say I have. I have decided to do what makes me happy, take a few small risks and not apologize for things I didn't do. The only things I am responsible for are my decisions and choices. Everything I say or do has an impact on those around me, I know this so I avoid making decisions that could cause harm to others. Also I have decided to try different things, just to see what would happen, of course this didn't make my parents very happy, but it was a little surprising to see how they reacted. Being a little cheeky, standing a little bit taller, actually shouting at my dad, not doing certain things, showing a lack of concern, hell I decided to actually act my age and be a miserable teenager (really it was entertaining and I was enjoying myself, they got mad with me, but really I didn't do too much or cause a lot of damage). For those who truly know me, know that I really understand a lot more than I should at this point, my actions and behaviors are well thought out most of the time and when they aren't, I look inside myself to see why I did what I did. I know that at any point in time, I can go back to being the way I was, which was shy, self-defeating, apologetic, stressed, miserable, confused, dissociative and pessimistic, but do I really want to?
invisiblyreal invisiblyreal
22-25, F
1 Response May 10, 2012

wow. You are on mature little lady. Its really impressive that you gained that kind of wisdom at that age, wisdom that you can use on yourself. I've read stories from people who are 3-5 times older than you and still haven't gained the insight you have. I wish you all the best.

I hear you. it's not been easy. we've placed all our faith in god I'm hopes that a glimmer of miracle shines through for our little angel. it's not easy for us both to day in day out see our little girl just gasp for air. doctors say it's easy... hell yeah easy if you have money. money I see so many throw away where as humanity struggles to gasped for air. feels so sad because the harder we struggle the deeper in sand we seem to sink. if only... if only