professionally I Am Not Who...

professionally i am not who i would like to be.  chances are, due to my medical condition, i will not get to be that i person i dreamt of as a child.  but ... we will see ...

who i am as a human, has changed immensely in the past 3 years.  it was a time filled with excruciating growth and maturity through endless reflection.  it seemed to change me for the better.  and for that i am thankful.  after much thought it seems i didn't much like the woman i'd become although, at the time when i was her, i thought i liked her.

despite growing into a better person than i once was, there are also downsides to this.  it seems for each positive attribute i gained, a negative one became more pronounced.  thus i am still trying to be a better person and i can't see this cycle changing.  i believe this is how life is and should be - a constant ability to grow and learn.

so do i like who i am?  yes, for the most part.  is there room for improvement?  yes as with anything else and there always will be.  will i ever be the person i want to be?  most likely, no.  through the constant growing and maturing life's experiences offer and each new level reached through these, i'm certain i will continually pursue and expect more out of myself.

after all, i am a perfectionist ...

AbbyNormal AbbyNormal
31-35, F
5 Responses May 26, 2007

A statement from a teacher was 'He felt he was wasting his time as all of the children in the class would finish up in factories' .It was the best thing he could have said as I took it on board [in a childish anger] Once I arrived in the working class it was my aim to prove him wrong. I did - yet it never bothered me that he would never know. It is amazing what a few words can do to spur you on to make a future in your life <br />
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I was brought up in the East End of London which years back most were regarded as Low class. Weirdest of all the barrow boys who followed on from their fathers were earning more than the teachers. So even fruit and veg came sweet!

at least your father had a sense of humor - that's funny what he said to you ... well it is to adults. it may not have been to a child ... i still have to chuckle tho ... hehe

i wish i could say my step father didn't do it on purpose ... but he did ... i recall being 13 coming home from the 7th grade, report card in hand. my average for the entire year (all classes) was 115% which as we all know is better than an A or 4.0 gpa. (i'd done some extra credit in one course.) i showed my dad (step father) thinking i'd finally win his approval and his response i will never forget, "there's still room for improvement." i think i bawled for days. there wasn't a "good job" or anything. i should have predicted such - nothing ever pleased the man except his son and in later years not even his son would make him happy. thus the perfectionist curse came upon me ...

That's a good description of how it works, although it's a rare parent that does it deliberately. However, they're flawed people too, so it's inevitable. I also grew up with the "perfect" curse - it's a great Rx for insanity. Perfection - as they say - is not of this world. There is no perfect anything - not even a perfect fool. Humility and acceptance will drive out the obsession with perfection - which is self-administered torture. Enough is enough - more is not enough - it's just more.

if only i were able to release that goal of 'perfection' which was set for me so early in life ... why is it i'm beginning to feel as if our parents spend a lifetime 'raising' us and we spend a lifetime 'undoing' all the stuff they did to us? eek! lol