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The Werewolf

I don't know where else to write this story since I'm not sure how to define this portion of myself. I wrestle between a 'black' and 'white' mentality, striving everyday to keep the 'white' my dominant side. Some days it feels like I'm running a marathon and by the end of the evening, my energy is completely spent...all I want to do is crawl into a dark corner and hide. The 'black' is constantly clawing at the cage I try and keep her in. Screaming, howling, and roaring with rage and destructive energy. She looks similar to me, except she retains the blonde hair that I dyed brunette. She is very strong and determined to escape. Alongside her is a huge black wolf, the creature I turn into once she takes control. I'm having a difficult time explaining this. When the 'black' is working to turn dominant, my limbs twist and lock in bizarre positions...sort of like what you see in movies about possession. I can feel my teeth elongating even though physically they aren't. My eyes become her's, I feel them change into an icy silvery hue. All I want to do is scream and savagely rip the world around me apart. She wants to kill, makes me want it as well. She promises to right all the wrongs done to me. The words I say during this time are harsh and cruel. The actions would be worse, but I fight the urges and turn the violence inward...resulting in several cuts, burns, or bruises. To me that's better than harming a loved one or a stranger. So many things can trigger a descent into the 'black', which is why I avoid several visual experiences such as slasher/gore films. Friends make fun of me, but I cannot risk the exposure and give rise to my other side. I've been this way for years, since I was 16. I'm working to make sense of the whole thing. For now I call the other side of me the Werewolf. Are there any other people like this out there?
EyesOfSeraphim EyesOfSeraphim 26-30, F Feb 6, 2012

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