Maybe Though, I'm Not Who I Think I Am

I still, after all these years get lost in the "get my needs met" stage of life. I've spent all this time recovering ... my whole life in fact dedicated to ironing out the glitches that PTSD has caused in my life.

Abandonment issues (check)
Trust problems (check)
Inability to communicate (check)
Fear, Anger, Shame, Depression and a total inability to cope with my emotions (check)
Shyness (check)

so i've worked on some things- ive done REALLY DAMN WELL as i am no longer bringing self-destructive influences into my life. I'm no longer including the people that hurt me deliberately. There are soo many good things.

At the same time though, when i finally get myself into a little groove, a comfortable flow i feel like there's this itch deep within my muscles and i wanna scratch it, i want to explore all the things that i'm thinking and feeling and figure out why its there... i want that alien strangeness inside of me exposed and extracted...

and there is where i ALWAYS throw myself off. In my ridiculous inability to communicate effectively and my struggles with recognizing and coping with my emotions i say things, things that are meant to help me recognize what i need right now... and it never goes well... i know ive always been hyper-critical of myself but am i too critical of others in my life too??

Is it me that puts people so far above me and then is upset when they cant meet my expectations??

Maybe its better that i keep myself too myself and just get comfortable with the annoying little itch in my subconscious. Surely a little strange feeling hovering in the base of my brain is better than hurting somebody every time i try to figure out what's wrong.

I just always hoped.... that someday i could be exactly me without being judged. I never thought that when i found a relationship that i could do that, that the problem would be that saying what i think and feel is hurtful.

i feel...
Selfish
Ashamed
Greedy
Mean...
Inadequate
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worthless
Shierke Shierke
26-30, F
1 Response Sep 23, 2012

You are obviously a bright and eloquent young lady and while I dont know you enough to say if you are..mean, greedy etc *

BUT
I can tell you, you're NOT..again NOT...worthless!

* from time to time we are all of these, it's part of the human condition.