I Continue to Be Punished For *being* Who I Am...

...there's no story...at least not yet.  There's just this horrible feeling that I will never be part of anything that  I truly like and that truly likes me.  I will never have a true friend that I can count on, and that I live in an artificial world where everyone knows that the world is built and moves on lies...except for me, I don't deal in lies. 

Hence, I am alone.  Yet, I am not lonely.  I am fine especially when I am alone.  I am miserable when I am with people and with the people who lie and pretend the best.

How do I escape? How do I live my life on my terms?

You know...it's really raining hard right now. I love the rain! I always have. 

It's water from the sky. How cool is that? 

Yet, as cliche as this sounds, it really feels like my whole soul is crying right now.  In fact, I can't stop crying. 

I can't stop crying because I have no home.  There's no place where I am safe.  There's no place where I feel sound.  There's no place where the people who live there really want me around. 

I can't stop crying because I have no friends.  I have been a friend to get a friend.  I have read all the books and I have watched the all the shows.  Yet, I cannot find that one special person who is my second self.  I can never find a friend who never steals from me, who never lies to me, who never cheats me and who never leaves me. 

Most of all, I cannot stop crying because I cannot create.  I cannot build and I cannot dream without people stealing my creations, damagning my work and laughing at my dreams.  I can two out of three.  Yet, to do all three makes me ask, "why should I create, build and dream if no one cares and no one listens?  There's no use."

Alright, I've gone way beyond morbid.  I should just go to bed now.



muscle2010 muscle2010
31-35, M
2 Responses Feb 10, 2009

You seem either badly wounded emotionally or you are paranoid. From what you say it is not easy to determine which. Would you be, in some way, physically disabled or disadvantaged? It almost sounds as if you are in a prison or under some kind of restraint.

wow. you have a beautiful way of expressing yourself.