I Deceive My Friends

I make them believe that Im a happy guy, that Im a dude who loves to party and get drunk and is always, no matter what, the joker of the group, the one who does bad stuff cus he doesnt follow the rules.

but inside, I'm dead.

I went home from university for the christmas holidays and when I came back, I felt so alone, so isolated. Major problems with my work, my girlfriend and my friends have came up. I am NOT the happy person and never was. Im always hiding guilt and pain and I dont want it anymore.

My mum had to come and see me at 2 in the morning last week because she thought Id killed myself. Secretely, I wish I had. Every morning I wake up and force myself to find a reason to be here and it always centres around everybody else, for the good of them.

without them, Im nothing and I want to tell them but I cant

they will just walk away and abandon me

after that, I dont know what could happen

Ive sat on my window some nights, wondering how easy it would be to just let myself fall, Im not afraid to. I stay here for them, for my siblings, my parents and my friends

apparantly Im something special according to my girlfriend but Im not, Im just an empty shell of a person who wears a mask to fool others in believeing I am someone

I dont want it anymore, I want them to know but for their good and mine, they cant

Anavrin1990 Anavrin1990
18-21
3 Responses Feb 18, 2009

IF PEOPLE LOVE U, then obviously your worthy of love, and that makes u something. I would get busy, when I feel down I try to do something to keep myself busy, like community service, working extra hard at the job trying to get more money? Im not sure what to say, but I can tell you I understand how you feel because I have been there too. I mean I moved to CA a year ago and still I have NO friends, and I am only 22, sometimes the world feels really dark and lonely, but eventually things will pan out and and we will all find out place.

I know what you are feeling. I too have had times where the only reason I lived was because of my Mother. I could not devestate her by letting it all go.<br />
I think that is what makes you (and maybe me) special. The thoughtfulness of you to others is a blessing to them, even if you cannot see it. <br />
Find sometihing you like to do and do it. It can be a journal, music, reading, something just for you. Make a point of finding something good each day...at first it will be something outside yourself, but eventually you will find yourself saying, the good thing today is how I feel, the good thing today is the joy I felt when...<br />
I wish you luck and just wanted to tell you that you are not alone in your feelings, and it does get better. If others think you are special it means it is true, you just have to believe.<br />
peace for today to your troubled mind.

I know what you are feeling. I too have had times where the only reason I lived was because of my Mother. I could not devestate her by letting it all go.<br />
I think that is what makes you (and maybe me) special. The thoughtfulness of you to others is a blessing to them, even if you cannot see it. <br />
Find sometihing you like to do and do it. It can be a journal, music, reading, something just for you. Make a point of finding something good each day...at first it will be something outside yourself, but eventually you will find yourself saying, the good thing today is how I feel, the good thing today is the joy I felt when...<br />
I wish you luck and just wanted to tell you that you are not alone in your feelings, and it does get better. If others think you are special it means it is true, you just have to believe.<br />
peace for today to your troubled mind.