Even I Don't Know Who I Am

Every day I would get up, get the kids ready for school, go to work, work all day, come home, have dinner, talk to husband and go to bed. It was the same thing over and over and over again.

I discovered EP by accident when doing some random searches. I've discovered sides of me that either I never knew I had or I suspected I had, but tried to ignore. There are so many interesting people on this site and so many interesting experiences. I am curious about so many things I read about and I want to try most of them.

And yet, nobody in my life knows what I am doing or what I am thinking. I still do all of my daily rituals, but now I add in EP as often as I can. It helps me get through the mundane life I have created for myself. If any of my life people knew some of the things I've shared, some of the conversations I've had, some of the things I've done, they would be shocked! They still see the good mom, the good wife, the good employee. They have no idea of what goes through my head all day, no idea of the other life I lead on the internet.

The thing is, I don't want to stop. I want to see how far I will go. I want to keep experiencing everything I've done so far and do even more. I want to know who I am and maybe someday I will let her come out to my other life. I just don't know if the two sides of me can live with each other.

purpleriz purpleriz
51-55, F
8 Responses Feb 21, 2009

Purp, how do you know some of your friends arn't on EP also???

Hey paintball...no worries...you didn't "dumb" anything. And you're right, it is the same life I've been living but now I am expressing myself more and allowing myself to grow to be the person I truly am...thanks for your input.<br />
BTW, I can help you with the whole "eye contact" thing if you'd like.

Thanks. I do need to talk. <br />
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I am thinking of something that is just going to get me in trouble. <br />
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Add me as a friend and we will talk.

Thank you sa and kt for the compliments...<br />
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kt, you're right, if you talk to the wrong people, you put yourself in a worse position. That's why I like it here so much...there are a lot of people who understand and who are or already have gone through the same thing.<br />
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You can talk to me if you want, kt, obviously I'm not judgemental...

You do seem smart. I can tell you it helps to talk but I am not one to say as I don't myself. <br />
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I can't put myself into a position where I will just end up worse than where I am now.

From what i can tell you are smart, very imaginative, and dirty minded - my kinda girl!

I let out only certain things and show little to most people. People don't know that every day I want to just end everything but manage to continue. <br />
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I can't accept who I am and I can't accept that I even should be where I am when I feel worthless here.

i understand. My brain is rushing all the time, so many thoughts and emotions come into my mind. EP is the only place i have to let them out. Keeping them bottled up for so long i need to express them. Then i can think them trough more and refine them and refine myself. i've lived with two sides for year, fighting each other ... and then i accepted who i was. i'm not overt by any means but i let myself, the woman i me, rule.<br />
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Great story. Thank you for sharing yourself. Start with knowing and accepting and then move on ... it worked for me. Hopefully it can for you too.