Not Her Anymore...

They can't seem to see that I am not who I was before. I used to be angry, argumentative, and short-fused most of the time. I'm not that person anymore. I just want them to see that and realise that I've changed.

It's hard keeping myself at this point in my life, but I'm doing it. It's worth it for me to be happy in my own skin. But it's hard to maintain when I'm being treated like I'm going to lose it at any moment.

I wish they'd see me. I wish they'd give me a chance. I wish I knew how to not care.

I'm not her anymore. I'm me now.

Surujen Surujen
31-35, F
7 Responses Mar 13, 2009

I feel similarly too, often. I don't really know what to say, except that you phrased in words something I've been trying to express for some time. I think it's important to remember that the best relationship you have is with yourself, and if you now feel comfortable in your skin and in your mind, then others will tag along once they see that, I think.

I wish I could give you a magic formula and a reasonable time fr<x>ame in which what you want could happen. I'll tell you what I can. In our case, my wife became angry because the dotcom crash wiped out my income potential and she was all too used to having to support deadbeats. My income went from six figures in 2000 to none at all in 2002. I've built myself back up again since then, but it's been a long haul and the wear and tear on both of us put some serious mileage on our relationship.<br />
<br />
Some time recently I realized that she was no longer really my friend any more and started to look around for other friends. At one point I accumulated friends that she didn't approve of without telling her. When she found out about it she exploded, and that almost ended our marriage.<br />
<br />
In our case, the important point was that we really liked who each other were at the beginning of the relationship, and and just forgotten how to be those people. What each of us wanted hadn't changed, we had just stopped being that for various reasons. We found our path back to those, and are happy now.<br />
<br />
Do you love who he is? Does he love who you are now? I can tell that he didn't love who you had become. If I didn't have the threat of the end of the relationship, I'm not sure I could have so readily accepted what she'd become.<br />
<br />
No easy answers, but I hope that those questions will help you find what you're looking for.

Thank you for the perspective. I'm hurting because of what I put him through for all of those years and I know I have to earn his trust again that I have truly changed. You sound a lot like him, Strangeling, right down to the use of the word Turtling :)<br />
<br />
I'm also trying to get over the fact that, in the case of him, we both contributed to this. While I know I can't change anyone but myself, I sometimes feel like I at least deserve a little bit of a benefit of the doubt. He did a lot of things to break my trust in other ways, but blame is not constructive, nor will it get me anywhere in the end.<br />
<br />
I know, it's contradiction. This change I'm making comes at the same time as a lot of other turmoil in my life, his life, and our relationship. It's scary.<br />
<br />
I'm just so scared and I don't know what to do. I don't know if any of it is going to be enough. I also don't want to overdo it and push him away.

Ah, yes, the spouse thing does make a huge difference. I'm a particularly understanding person in general, but really was afraid to accept it when my wife made a change like that. She spent a long time being very angry and negative. This hurt me a lot, so I emotionally turtled on her. I was very hesitant to make myself vulnerable to her again, and it took some pretty traumatic events to pull me out of my shell.<br />
<br />
So in his case it may take a ridiculous amount of effort to get him to trust you again. And that word is the key. It's easy to accept that someone has changed, but trusting that they've changed is a LOT more difficult.

Thank you both very much for your wonderful words. Most of my friends are supportive and see me as I am. <br />
<br />
The problem is that my husband is the one who doesn't see. It's hard to be the one overlooking infidelity, indifference, and a host of other things, when he can't even try to see who I am now.

I'm glad to hear that you've made a change for the better. I've always had a tough time with people interacting with me as if my personality was the same as it was 20 years ago, and that happens unfortunately often.<br />
<br />
I'd recommend making new friends. The new people won't have the biases that the old ones do, and that'll give you an opportunity to get a better feel for how people react to your new personality without the old biases getting in the way.<br />
<br />
But don't give up trying. Holding onto those kind of gains are so important!

That is really cool! Keep true to yourself. Unfortunately, human nature is one of distrust forcing others to prove themselves. You can do it- You are worth it! This is a great site to practice being yourself- you are accepted as you are here! Now go out into the world and show them You mean business- You are focused on being the good person you were meant to be!!! You have much to offer this world!