Something Broke

No one has ever really understood me, let alone know exactly who I am.

But there were constants in my personalities, quirky, funny, clever, outgoing, maybe a bit of a rageoholic. So even if no knew who I was they still could recognize me.

Something has changed tho. Something has broken, and I'm pretending to be myself more then ever. Let me share with you when I think it broke.

In the hospital for a kidney infection. (they can be life threatening) And they had to hook me up to an IV. Not really a big deal. But unfortunately for me, they are the one they that scare me through and through. I know its completely illogical, but the fear was just that, illogical.

So for the first twenty four hours I made it through with out breaking a sweat, because they had told me it would be only twenty four hours, and I could handle it. Then the nurse came and told me, they need to keep me for three more days.

And something, perhaps what some would call my "spirit" broke. I cried in front of a stranger and show weakness to another person which is some I never do. Its as simply as I do not cry. In the end the IV came out that day and I left the next, but I am not the same.

Beside my physical health going up and down my personality feels nonexistent, and my acting experience seems to grow. Each smile is a lie and the only thing that feels real is when my rage bubbles over and causes an outburst. I am no longer who I was, and I fear I shall never be who I could have been.

Sad thing is, I cannot seem to care. Food has no taste nor dose it fill my stomach, and women can no entertain my gaze. My vices no longer satisfy my hunger, and the pit in my chest dose not grow or shrink.

 

I feel as if who I am, who I was has died, but my intelligence was left to keep those I loved from mourning.

 

 

Now they wont even have a chance to try and know who I am, because it seems as if there is nothing left to know. Like a mask without a face to hide.

DefineHumanity DefineHumanity
18-21, F
3 Responses Mar 22, 2009

I feel sad reading your story because everyone should get to keep who they are.

wow---sounds like me. i totally relate to you.<br />
one of my friends once said in reference to what you said ("every smile is a lie")<br />
"I'm mature enough to be immature." she hides behind her smiles and laughter--so do i.

I am a broken spirit. givene up on love. <br />
<br />
given up on life. why not everything else