I have gone to church all my life, and when i was 11 i came across some ****.

since then all my thoughts are dirty, and i think about it alll the time continually. i usaully read erotica, and i just can't stop.  i want to really bad.. I know i have everyone fooled, but i'm worried that everyone will find out about this.  i go to church every sunday and wednesday.  i am a student leader as well.

i don't know how to change.

girlboogirl girlboogirl
2 Responses Mar 25, 2009

You say you don't know how to change. Is it possible that is because you don't want to? Your thoughts are dirty and you read erotica, that's not really a bad thing. It sounds more to me like you are in a holding pattern, unable to go back to innocence but unwilling to move forward and explore the desires you have. <br />
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If you go to church twice a week then you must have been raised in a very religious household. I've seen this before where someone's base personality and desires come in direct conflict with their upbringing, religious or not. <br />
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This is just my opinion but, I do not think that having sexual desires makes you a sinner or someone that should be looked down upon. Until you embrace yourself and accept that part of you that was awoken when you were 11 you won't be able to be happy. You can pretend all you want, you can even believe it yourself at times, but in the end it will always come back to bite you in the behind. We can only be who we are.<br />
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For the record, my EP name is ironic. The fact that I am posting a reply to try to help you is doubly ironic! :)

You can check with your pastor about confidential counseling if it is hurting you and your life. <br />
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My own personal opinion is that it doesn't make you a bad person, but if it is negatively impacting your life, you should speak to someone about it.