I'd Love to Light Up!!

I am a married woman with a 9 yo autistic son and 7mo daughter...i want to spank my son a lot of times when he screams because he sits on the floor for an hour or more and screams at the top of his lungs.  I quit smoking (again) when I was 4 months pregnant with my daughter.  My mother fought lymphatic cancer for a year and beat it; she 's never smoked a day in her life.  However, her cancer did scare me out of smoking.  But sometimes when I wake up in the morning and my husband leaves for work (he is a nonsmoker who DETESTS smoking), I would love to go and get a pack of Newports and a liter of Pepsi and just light up...that's one of the reasons whey I'm not who everyone thinks I am. 


The other reason is people tell me I'm so strong because I can handle having an autistic child; they could not be more wrong...I am not strong enough to handle these burdens bestowed upon me...My 3 1/2 yo son died unexpectedly of a massive seizure last year, and I believe with all of my heart that I will never stop grieving him.  So far there is nothing wrong with my daughter, but there doesn't need to be because my oldest son will be the death of me or the entrance to a mental hospital if I do not get some help from these lazy organizations in FL. 


Im not who they think I am...inside I'm wanting to tear my hair out, scream, and light up a cigarette at the same time just to calm down a little...

pevansmum pevansmum
31-35, F
3 Responses Aug 22, 2007

I can't imagine what that's like, my father passed a month ago and I always feel this constant hole in my stomach. I hope it goes away in time.

I feel for you. you are one of the silent heroes. As much as I don't like second hand smoke, I would be more than privileged to take your second hand's

I am right there with you but I do smoke. Not in my home but I am a smoker. Anyhow, I would love to run screaming from every counseling, psychiatrist and/or dr visit with my son, he's 11 and has a severe case of ADHD and depression! He is not autistic as your son is but it is very testing at times.<br />
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I often wish I could run screaming, too. I often wish it would just stop and be easy. I also have a daughter that is 7 months and she is with me 24/7, that invludes work! I love both my kids but I do need a break. A nice trip out of town, no kids, a hotel and lots of tv! LOL It is nice to dream! <br />
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Good luck to you!