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Lost Soul..

Not sure why I'm here on this site...I guess I'm searching for someone who can understand me and actually listen.  A life built on lies is what I have.  I'm a lost soul that is losing myself...I'm drowning each day.  Little by little I loose me.  But the truth of the matter is not even my husband knows who I really am.  My life is a series of intriicate lies that is designed to make me out to be better than I actually am.  The real me wants to be free of this existance.  I want so desperately want to be free.  My soul is trampled down by society, my husband, my family, insane debt...I feel as if I'm choking.  I'm reeling with panic attacks...terrified that one day everyone will learn what a mess I really am.  I am addicted.

nikoriley nikoriley 41-45 50 Responses Apr 21, 2009

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You are afraid, it is all beyond your control, you are slowly sinking into the morass, and you are addicted. Its time for creative destruction, and re-invent who you really are. Am I saying take off the mask and go guns blazin'? no, but its important to know yourself - do not lie to yourself. Then create a support system one person at a time, based on that honesty. One day your truth will reach critical mass, then its time to turn your world upside down.

I feel the same way, people think I am a happy go lucky person, strong and caring what they don't see is me sitting up at 2am in the morning worrying about everything and everyone, or me locking my self in the bathroom to cry (I have never cried in front of anyone, not even when my grandparents died or my marriage broke up)

I have a similar problem. It started because I'm a shy person with a pretty boring background. I thought it might be fun to talk up my past, but I'm losing myself. I exaggerate the amount of boyfriends I've had, places I've gone, and just about anything. All I have to do is lie about something and properly research on the internet to have enough details. I can't stop. I'm addicted to lying. I even lie to people I trust the most. I want to tell the truth to be free, but I can't.

I've felt that way for years. Its gotten to the point that I have convinced myself that its all real. I couldn't even tell who I was before I met my ex. I tried to be what he wanted and refused to think that maybe what he wanted wasn't what would make me happy. The constant torture it was to live my life as someone else erased all traces of the confident person I see when I look at an old photo of me. I literally could feel my mind leaving me. I began to cope by becoming addicted to a drug. And no one knows. I function and continue my picture perfect lies perfectly. I know the most important people in my life wouldn't believe it if I used in front of them. I would actually have to leave to a 6month rehab before they would think "Was she telling the truth?" Which makes me feel like ****. I must be if I'm dying inside more and more every day and they haven't noticed. I cant get help without letting them know. And I cant let them know without losing them. No point in getting sober to be alone. Now my husband is gone and I couldn't begin to explain the intense hurt and confusion it puts me in every moment of my day. No drug can make that go away. How could he take evrything that was amazing and important about me and then walk away. I'm like a lost child. Don't know where I am or which way to go. Why wasn't my soul enough to earn his promise to never leave me alone? There's just no point to me.

hmmm.. I live the same life as yours before... for 8 years I have been hiding... but now, I am slowly showing and let some people know the real me. I am glad that those people accepted me for being who i am...<br />
<br />
It felt nice to be free sometimes...

My dad had a saying and lived by it to.<br />
He used say this is my if u can't except me the way I am ur not good a naff to be around me.<br />
He would go in a nice place in green work pants & a t-shirt and they served him.<br />
He was a BIG man 5'11" 375 pounds he said this is me that it.<br />
He played no head games and most people love him just the way he was 7 days a week green work pants & a t-shirt.

I'm in your shoes also and. I'm sick and tired of people telling me that. I'm not who they're thinking that<br />
I am and who are they to judge me in the first place and don't they know that. I'm a person with feelings and emotions anyways for that matter and. Oh My God I think so and they need to give me some space as well.

I think I've felt similar before--like I was trapped inside a mask all the time; like inside of me was a frightened, broken, hurting person screaming desparately to be let out.<br />
<br />
I joined Celebrate Recovery. It's a twelve step group. So it's completely anonomous. They have groups like that all over the country. You could google them, check out their website. It wouldn't hurt to just try attending a meeting.

We cannot live without joy; therefore when we are deprived of true spiritual joys it is necessary that we become addicted to material things in our search for joy. Our true self does not buy into this deceit but we try to keep the illusion alive by lies to ourselves and those close to us. Our only hope is to reconnect to that Force--God as we understand God--that made us hunger for spiritual joy. I personally do this through the 12-step Program promoted by the friends of Bill W. But I am sure there are other paths as well. Stay off the path that seeks to replace one set of material things with another. That is a dead end and only doubles your unhappiness in the end.

You know you have to trust your self and develop the sense of ability to list to your inner voice (six sense); you have no reasons not to be the real you my dear; take time to look yourself in the mirror up close and person and talk to yourself, love yourself, and be best friend with your self and let yourself find the inner peace that you can set you free; please do not live your life in lies it is not WORTH it, I used to be like this........but I stopped because I learned that if I desire to love anyone I have to love me and if I want peoples to be honest and real with me; I have to be honest and real to myself.<br />
PEACE and much LOVE

find a picture of yourself as a young child. look at it and try to view it from the eyes of a sympathetic stranger. that child is worthy of all the love and help you can give. tell her so. that child is alive in you today, behind all the lies and the fear. waiting. hoping.<br />
<br />
talk about your life. try to explain. tell her what needs to happen to make things right, in language you would use with a child that age. (this doesn't have to be verbal but it helps, as cheesy as it sounds)<br />
<br />
for the sake of that child, find your resolve. find your strength. find whatever makes life worth living for you. it only seems gone because you've given it away.<br />
<br />
then call the wind to blow away that house of cards. even if it costs you everything, you'll have gained the only thing you ever really needed: yourself. the rest is lies, vanity, hubris.<br />
<br />
get help if you can - a coach, a mentor or a shrink, a priest, some kind of counselor - to figure out a way to reclaim your self and your power that does as little harm as possible, and respects the needs of others. there's no shame in asking for help when you need it. the real shame is in being too proud and not being true to yourself as a result.<br />
<br />
there _will_ be fallout, be prepared for collateral damage, but it's worth it. rescue that child at all costs. you're her only hope.

i know how you feel, while i was reading this is was like i was reading my own biography. I love this site

Hi,<br />
<br />
wow I only joined here today looking for people that were just like me and it seems i have found them, I get so lonely and feel i must be the most boring person in the world, thats why I have to make stories up to make myself more intersting? I have forgotten who the real me is now and so want to find me again, It seems once I told one lie it just went out of control.<br />
I really need some friends like you guys to make me feel good about myself if you want to be in touch please do we can help each other x

Hi there.... you have a lot of company you know. You've had an uphill battle much like many of us who've commented. Talk with friends -- those whom you can trust. You will find that we all wear masks at one point or another and it IS safe to take them off when we dare to stand our own ground and know that you are a person in process. None of us have arrived yet. I know about panic attacks from PTSD. We can move thru those. So... find a loving set of people that can be there for you and, yes, accept you. You are mighty hard on yourself... most of us women are! You don't need to pretend anymore. We are all here for you too....... Signed... Still weaving my way thru life. Email me if you want to. Be well. Sending you some healing today.

Hi, I'm wondering how you are!!! ARe you all right now? Is it worse or better? Sometimes feeling this way can go on for years. I hope you respond. Maggie

i feel the same way. I'm struggling to not let that happen to me, since I know it would if I don't fight. and i fight every day. EVERY DAMN GOD FORSAKEN ******* DAY. and i'm exhausted. sweet death keeps eluding me, because i KNOW that I want to live. <br />
<br />
anyway, if you want to talk. I am here. i feel for you. i feel this hurt you have. it reflects my own pain, and it makes me cry. please talk to me, i want to help you. and i desperately need help too

Ah, same here. I'd love to listen.<br />
~Miranda

Silent and listen are closely the same...here i am with those two great virtues<br />
lets talk: dagrin@live.com

i feel the same way....i wonder if i will ever be free from it idk think i can go on forever like this.......u say u r addicted......does that mean u r an addict?.......i think that might have something to do with my problem anyway...i could use someone to talk to as well.....everyone thinks im sooo nice n all but if they really knew me......

I have no advice to give just a question, if you want to show who you really are, what happens if you lose everything?

Angel Green wrote: "... but I had a father who used to make a big thing out of telling me he disbelieved me when I told the truth, especially when I was in tears, distraught that he didn't.. as I got older - I realised that he had been lying about a lot of things and my being truthful exposed him and it was convenient for him to disbelieve me, but as a child this unfortunately caused me to become deeply condtiioned to respond as expected."<br />
Angel, I find this extremely insightful but how did you first unravel that you had been deeply conditioned to respond as expected? And what effect did this have upon intimate relationships? Did you always feel within your relationships that you were not allowed to be yourself and express your true self? And finally, did you blame your significant other for your inability to express your true self?<br />
Yeah I know. That's a lot of questions. I'm asking because I am engaged in relationship difficulties where my girlfriend is telling me that she cannot be herself with me at all, and always has difficulty expressing herself on emotional issues (usually has to do this in tears) and that this is all my fault.<br />
Up until reading your post I had not really had any enlightenment on this issue and have been baffled by this behaviour. Any response appreciated.

I could tell you to stop being a dumbbutt and get it togther. I could tell you that their are other people in this world who are in PHYSICAL pain who need help but never get it. I could tell you that if some dead people could think they would wish they could come back, but you are the opposite. I could tell you that there are people who starve and get abused and feel so horrible they don't even recognize it themselves, but everyone else does. I could tell you there are a lot of posers I've had the pleasure of meeting that say the same things as you. I could tell you that only a person desperate to sound intelligent and inflict some sort of feling on someone would say "my life is an intricate pattern of lies." I could tell you you're not the only one in the world who thinks they feel like this and that you need to get over yourself. I could tell you that people don't marry husbands and keep things from them and wonder when they are going to find out who you really are. I could tell you many things. But I won't. Because that would just pi$$ you off, wouldn't it?

Do you feel still you have not understood and not done anything about shoes and inside of it do you want to have a look on her then you should look and try to understand what she trying to tell us and to share with us************************

It's hard Isn't it.would like to comfort and say I understand but how could I. I havent walked In your shoes theres no way I ever could. I can hope for you, hope that you see your self thru this. hope that you find the comfort and understanding that you need. I can listen. I too deal with utter lonelyness and am a very missunderstood individual I have lost my complete family and really all but two of my friends. I have never been suicidal It's just the living is just becoming increasingly difficult. I wish you the best.

Well you found a better site to share your feelings I am also with you to share your feelings with me without any restrictions and issues your are free to talk as you wish like ************ also

This is my first time on this site and i already feel less alone and weird. There are actually people out there that think,feel and experiance what i have....We all have to be stronger and find truth in ourselves

I hear your pain, I have the same feelings, it is up to us alone to find our peace. For me I take one minute at a time, each I find something that makes me laugh, and I sometimes force myself against all my negative ways to preform my duties of the day, I so miss have affectionated feelings toward my husband, I just feel I can't do anything because there just isnt any feelings left the darkness in my life have stolen them. I am thankful he understands but I go on each day trying to live in this world with an occassional smile, and happy moment.

Hi again. Just to let you know of something really special if you havent heard of it before.It really helps me and I use it everyday of my life since I have seen it.It gave me a tremendous new outlook on life. I watched a DVD called "The Secret". Have you heard of it?If not, buy it and watch it over and over again.It will be a great help trust me.

I can completely relate to the most of your troubles.My mind and my head is not was it once was as a bubbly friendly boy. I feel as if everything I do is fake and just a mask. I pretend to have friends and to love what I do every day.I meet everyone with an empty smile and fake laughter.Nobody knows the real me AT ALL! Only I do, and I dont think anyone ever will know me. Its not easy living every day a lie

I can completely relate to the most of your troubles.My mind and my head is not was it once was as a bubbly friendly boy. I feel as if everything I do is fake and just a mask. I pretend to have friends and to love what I do every day.I meet everyone with an empty smile and fake laughter.Nobody knows the real me AT ALL! Only I do, and I dont think anyone ever will know me. Its not easy living every day a lie