Lost Soul..

Not sure why I'm here on this site...I guess I'm searching for someone who can understand me and actually listen.  A life built on lies is what I have.  I'm a lost soul that is losing myself...I'm drowning each day.  Little by little I loose me.  But the truth of the matter is not even my husband knows who I really am.  My life is a series of intriicate lies that is designed to make me out to be better than I actually am.  The real me wants to be free of this existance.  I want so desperately want to be free.  My soul is trampled down by society, my husband, my family, insane debt...I feel as if I'm choking.  I'm reeling with panic attacks...terrified that one day everyone will learn what a mess I really am.  I am addicted.

nikoriley nikoriley
46 Responses Apr 21, 2009

You are afraid, it is all beyond your control, you are slowly sinking into the morass, and you are addicted. Its time for creative destruction, and re-invent who you really are. Am I saying take off the mask and go guns blazin'? no, but its important to know yourself - do not lie to yourself. Then create a support system one person at a time, based on that honesty. One day your truth will reach critical mass, then its time to turn your world upside down.

I feel the same way, people think I am a happy go lucky person, strong and caring what they don't see is me sitting up at 2am in the morning worrying about everything and everyone, or me locking my self in the bathroom to cry (I have never cried in front of anyone, not even when my grandparents died or my marriage broke up)

I have a similar problem. It started because I'm a shy person with a pretty boring background. I thought it might be fun to talk up my past, but I'm losing myself. I exaggerate the amount of boyfriends I've had, places I've gone, and just about anything. All I have to do is lie about something and properly research on the internet to have enough details. I can't stop. I'm addicted to lying. I even lie to people I trust the most. I want to tell the truth to be free, but I can't.

I've felt that way for years. Its gotten to the point that I have convinced myself that its all real. I couldn't even tell who I was before I met my ex. I tried to be what he wanted and refused to think that maybe what he wanted wasn't what would make me happy. The constant torture it was to live my life as someone else erased all traces of the confident person I see when I look at an old photo of me. I literally could feel my mind leaving me. I began to cope by becoming addicted to a drug. And no one knows. I function and continue my picture perfect lies perfectly. I know the most important people in my life wouldn't believe it if I used in front of them. I would actually have to leave to a 6month rehab before they would think "Was she telling the truth?" Which makes me feel like ****. I must be if I'm dying inside more and more every day and they haven't noticed. I cant get help without letting them know. And I cant let them know without losing them. No point in getting sober to be alone. Now my husband is gone and I couldn't begin to explain the intense hurt and confusion it puts me in every moment of my day. No drug can make that go away. How could he take evrything that was amazing and important about me and then walk away. I'm like a lost child. Don't know where I am or which way to go. Why wasn't my soul enough to earn his promise to never leave me alone? There's just no point to me.

hmmm.. I live the same life as yours before... for 8 years I have been hiding... but now, I am slowly showing and let some people know the real me. I am glad that those people accepted me for being who i am...<br />
<br />
It felt nice to be free sometimes...

My dad had a saying and lived by it to.<br />
He used say this is my if u can't except me the way I am ur not good a naff to be around me.<br />
He would go in a nice place in green work pants & a t-shirt and they served him.<br />
He was a BIG man 5'11" 375 pounds he said this is me that it.<br />
He played no head games and most people love him just the way he was 7 days a week green work pants & a t-shirt.

I'm in your shoes also and. I'm sick and tired of people telling me that. I'm not who they're thinking that<br />
I am and who are they to judge me in the first place and don't they know that. I'm a person with feelings and emotions anyways for that matter and. Oh My God I think so and they need to give me some space as well.

I think I've felt similar before--like I was trapped inside a mask all the time; like inside of me was a frightened, broken, hurting person screaming desparately to be let out.<br />
<br />
I joined Celebrate Recovery. It's a twelve step group. So it's completely anonomous. They have groups like that all over the country. You could google them, check out their website. It wouldn't hurt to just try attending a meeting.

You know you have to trust your self and develop the sense of ability to list to your inner voice (six sense); you have no reasons not to be the real you my dear; take time to look yourself in the mirror up close and person and talk to yourself, love yourself, and be best friend with your self and let yourself find the inner peace that you can set you free; please do not live your life in lies it is not WORTH it, I used to be like this........but I stopped because I learned that if I desire to love anyone I have to love me and if I want peoples to be honest and real with me; I have to be honest and real to myself.<br />
PEACE and much LOVE

i know how you feel, while i was reading this is was like i was reading my own biography. I love this site

Hi,<br />
<br />
wow I only joined here today looking for people that were just like me and it seems i have found them, I get so lonely and feel i must be the most boring person in the world, thats why I have to make stories up to make myself more intersting? I have forgotten who the real me is now and so want to find me again, It seems once I told one lie it just went out of control.<br />
I really need some friends like you guys to make me feel good about myself if you want to be in touch please do we can help each other x

Hi there.... you have a lot of company you know. You've had an uphill battle much like many of us who've commented. Talk with friends -- those whom you can trust. You will find that we all wear masks at one point or another and it IS safe to take them off when we dare to stand our own ground and know that you are a person in process. None of us have arrived yet. I know about panic attacks from PTSD. We can move thru those. So... find a loving set of people that can be there for you and, yes, accept you. You are mighty hard on yourself... most of us women are! You don't need to pretend anymore. We are all here for you too....... Signed... Still weaving my way thru life. Email me if you want to. Be well. Sending you some healing today.

Hi, I'm wondering how you are!!! ARe you all right now? Is it worse or better? Sometimes feeling this way can go on for years. I hope you respond. Maggie

i feel the same way. I'm struggling to not let that happen to me, since I know it would if I don't fight. and i fight every day. EVERY DAMN GOD FORSAKEN ******* DAY. and i'm exhausted. sweet death keeps eluding me, because i KNOW that I want to live. <br />
<br />
anyway, if you want to talk. I am here. i feel for you. i feel this hurt you have. it reflects my own pain, and it makes me cry. please talk to me, i want to help you. and i desperately need help too

Ah, same here. I'd love to listen.<br />

Silent and listen are closely the same...here i am with those two great virtues<br />
lets talk: dagrin@live.com

i feel the same way....i wonder if i will ever be free from it idk think i can go on forever like this.......u say u r addicted......does that mean u r an addict?.......i think that might have something to do with my problem anyway...i could use someone to talk to as well.....everyone thinks im sooo nice n all but if they really knew me......

I have no advice to give just a question, if you want to show who you really are, what happens if you lose everything?

Angel Green wrote: "... but I had a father who used to make a big thing out of telling me he disbelieved me when I told the truth, especially when I was in tears, distraught that he didn't.. as I got older - I realised that he had been lying about a lot of things and my being truthful exposed him and it was convenient for him to disbelieve me, but as a child this unfortunately caused me to become deeply condtiioned to respond as expected."<br />
Angel, I find this extremely insightful but how did you first unravel that you had been deeply conditioned to respond as expected? And what effect did this have upon intimate relationships? Did you always feel within your relationships that you were not allowed to be yourself and express your true self? And finally, did you blame your significant other for your inability to express your true self?<br />
Yeah I know. That's a lot of questions. I'm asking because I am engaged in relationship difficulties where my girlfriend is telling me that she cannot be herself with me at all, and always has difficulty expressing herself on emotional issues (usually has to do this in tears) and that this is all my fault.<br />
Up until reading your post I had not really had any enlightenment on this issue and have been baffled by this behaviour. Any response appreciated.

I could tell you to stop being a dumbbutt and get it togther. I could tell you that their are other people in this world who are in PHYSICAL pain who need help but never get it. I could tell you that if some dead people could think they would wish they could come back, but you are the opposite. I could tell you that there are people who starve and get abused and feel so horrible they don't even recognize it themselves, but everyone else does. I could tell you there are a lot of posers I've had the pleasure of meeting that say the same things as you. I could tell you that only a person desperate to sound intelligent and inflict some sort of feling on someone would say "my life is an intricate pattern of lies." I could tell you you're not the only one in the world who thinks they feel like this and that you need to get over yourself. I could tell you that people don't marry husbands and keep things from them and wonder when they are going to find out who you really are. I could tell you many things. But I won't. Because that would just pi$$ you off, wouldn't it?

Do you feel still you have not understood and not done anything about shoes and inside of it do you want to have a look on her then you should look and try to understand what she trying to tell us and to share with us************************

It's hard Isn't it.would like to comfort and say I understand but how could I. I havent walked In your shoes theres no way I ever could. I can hope for you, hope that you see your self thru this. hope that you find the comfort and understanding that you need. I can listen. I too deal with utter lonelyness and am a very missunderstood individual I have lost my complete family and really all but two of my friends. I have never been suicidal It's just the living is just becoming increasingly difficult. I wish you the best.

Well you found a better site to share your feelings I am also with you to share your feelings with me without any restrictions and issues your are free to talk as you wish like ************ also

This is my first time on this site and i already feel less alone and weird. There are actually people out there that think,feel and experiance what i have....We all have to be stronger and find truth in ourselves

I hear your pain, I have the same feelings, it is up to us alone to find our peace. For me I take one minute at a time, each I find something that makes me laugh, and I sometimes force myself against all my negative ways to preform my duties of the day, I so miss have affectionated feelings toward my husband, I just feel I can't do anything because there just isnt any feelings left the darkness in my life have stolen them. I am thankful he understands but I go on each day trying to live in this world with an occassional smile, and happy moment.

Hi again. Just to let you know of something really special if you havent heard of it before.It really helps me and I use it everyday of my life since I have seen it.It gave me a tremendous new outlook on life. I watched a DVD called "The Secret". Have you heard of it?If not, buy it and watch it over and over again.It will be a great help trust me.

I can completely relate to the most of your troubles.My mind and my head is not was it once was as a bubbly friendly boy. I feel as if everything I do is fake and just a mask. I pretend to have friends and to love what I do every day.I meet everyone with an empty smile and fake laughter.Nobody knows the real me AT ALL! Only I do, and I dont think anyone ever will know me. Its not easy living every day a lie

I can completely relate to the most of your troubles.My mind and my head is not was it once was as a bubbly friendly boy. I feel as if everything I do is fake and just a mask. I pretend to have friends and to love what I do every day.I meet everyone with an empty smile and fake laughter.Nobody knows the real me AT ALL! Only I do, and I dont think anyone ever will know me. Its not easy living every day a lie

It's much harder to tell and cover a lie than it is to tell the truth or to come clean.<br />
<br />
Rememer how it made you feel that time you stood up for yourself, or you got the never to say to someone no or yes or whatever fear you faced; remember how good that felt. it can feel that way again for you.<br />
<br />
Telling to truth may hurt others and or you but it will pass and those people who love and believe in you will forgive and understand you. But if you continue to live as you are, it will hurt others and or you but it will not end and there will be no forgiveness or understanding.<br />
<br />
What I'm saying is that you are sacrificing things in your life (your happiness, your family, friends etc) that are permanent things for those that are temporary (cover up stories, little white lies, etc..) your human sugar, nothing more and there is not one of the people that you think you've let down that hasn't or doesn't feel that way about themselves at time.<br />
<br />
Dont' be so hard on yourself, you have everything you need to be whole right there inside of you, just trust it.

i was the same..i still have to tell certain "white" lies jus so my old lies dont catch up with me! But i have changed almost completely..im still in debt..but sortin it an all the major lies have stopped..sometimes they creep up when i meet new ppl but generally the weight of my lies has gone!! an it was so simple..i just made the decision 2 try not 2 do it any more ..i was realistic and knew i wud still have 2 tell certain lies 2 keep up old ones but promised myself to try to phase all lies out an no new 1s...i had a few slip ups an like i say sum pop up now but i feel free to b rid of the whoppin lies that suffocated me for so long.........good luck x

hiii...dear.. just believe in youself..everything will be fine..all u can do is just go on a trip or some where else away from your house..this will give u time to think what u actually want in your life..or just have a pet at ur home..pets are really good companions...or u can talk to us i mean the people here.. always have smile on ur face , it doesnt solve the problems..but it gives u courage to fight with them..:) thats what i always do..

you are reaching out to other people here and i am glad you are here. we all have worth and value we all need each other

i dont know you nor do i know anything about you but i think that you need to start living for just you and for nothing and no one else...start by taking small steps and doing things and saying things that really express who you are...you are a good person and even if you think that you arent...you can change that wrong perception of yourself anytime... the only way you will free yourself is by starting to be yourself. BE YOU

You are good enough!!!! Keep saying it because it's so the truth...<br />
<br />
The funny things about lies is that we think we are fooling others, but we are only fooling ourselves- we forget to give others credit for being perceptive.What I'm saying is that lies don't stand for long- they unravel quickly- I don't think your life is built entirely on lies,because the sheer pressure of remembering which lie you told would tire you and possibly avoid others...I know , because I do that sometimes- I forget my original lie and just give up because whether I want it or not I'm exposed. <br />
<br />
Try revealing just one thing true to your family, I'll bet they'll surprise you w/ "Oh we already knew that"

i think if we could break away from the norm and just sit down and sort out our lives with people who understand the world wouldnt have such a high suicide rait

Quite true,<br />
<br />
We can choose to stay and rattle the bars or find a way to pick the lock to the cage and open the door to freedom.<br />
<br />
I for one chose the viewpoint that those people creating the problems should take a close look at themselves before making judgments on others. In most cases I feel that such judgements come from their own weaknesses and frailties - that others try to create prisons for people they dislike because they cannot cope with their own issues etc.<br />
<br />
Knowledge is one of the keys to the bonds we feel imprison us.

In life there are many forms of imprisonment, as we live we create shackles of mind and soul - some are real and others imagined.<br />
<br />
As you find the support you seek in life, you can get the strength to break these bonds however they were wrought.<br />
<br />
Like you, for 25 years ,I created or imagined my own links in the chains that bound me in life. Recently I have opened up to friends and found that you can find the stregth to break these bonds.<br />
<br />
Some may judge - that is their lot in life, others you will find are more than willing to express to you that they have known the real you for a long time - irrespective of what others think of yourself.<br />
<br />
Youve found some support here, in time you can take the next steps.<br />
<br />
To coin a phrase from a favourite scifi movie:-<br />
<br />
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

Sounds like me. I don't think I belong in this world at all. And no one wants to let me explain it. They all just say "don't worry it's a phase you're young" etc. etc.

We all lie to ourselves at times dear . trying to be someone you are not is actually causing you more grief than it's worth. If you don't like who you really are , making up someone is not the answer. Change who you really are through real changes not fake things.You don't deserve to lie to yourself. <br />
Since I ma not sure what you are so ashamed of ,its hard to make a real call on this but I do know you gotta be real.There are enough fake people out there .Be real. Yeah . it's hard but it's rewarding to know " hey this is me" I may not be the most perfect person or even closely average but I am still me and that has got to count for something. You are unique and special. Don't hide behind lies and fake things to impress or shadow your real you. It makes you less not more.

Thank you all for you comments. It gives me a little hope to see that at least a stranger cares enough to comment and offer support. Truth is I'm scared all the time.

Lots of people here are willing to listen and if possible help you out. Feel free to email me if you want to talk.

I have been clean and sober for a year and a half now...but I was high on pills for most of the preceeding 30 years. I know how you feel. You are not alone! And I will tell you that after all these years, after all I have lost, I have finally gained my dignity and self-respect (not regained, never had any). IO never dreamed I could feel this way. I honor your courage in trudging through your dark days so alone, but still pputting one foot in front of the other, no matter how you do it. You are not bad. Maybe you are like me, born with the disease of chemical dependency. As long as you are breathing, there is hope. I lost my marriage and custody of my son, ended up bouncing between jail and the nuthouse for the last two years...and for a woman like me to be able to feel good enough, even after all of that, is a miracle. My heart hurts for you, but I know that there is hope for you, even if it doesn't feel like it to you right now. You are a good person, struggling alone with an impossible situation. Thank you for having the courage to tell us.

I feel similar in life.

people said when you build your life on lies, it is like building a house of cards, slightest wind would destroy it. You know your life is nothing but lies and sometimes you hope... you hope that wind would blow and all the cards would fall. But it never happens... it never happens because you protect it. You guard it. Yes, you feel like your soul is trapped in your own body... but you are the one trapping it. You are your own imprisioner.<br />
Yes, there are reasons and excuses and everyone else around you .. that you believe are the reasons and excuses. But what they are is the wind.. is the storm that could destroy your house of cards. No... no one see who you are because you are all focused on your protecting your house of cards. Your strength lies in keeping it together. Your strength lies in keeping the facade alive. <br />
You are right or wrong.. i am not in a position to judge...but you are strong. Believe it or not you are incredible.

Your story is like ready my own. I am too living in a life that really isn't who I am. I have began to break out of this life by force, not of my own. It is an extreme challenge. You are not alone.

well, you certainly found the right site where people like me will listen to you. you can always be honest here.