...of Lies and Hollowness

i constantly lie..to everybody and to myself mostly..lies and masks just flow out of me like balloons..i do it for no particular purpose and i do it exceptionally well:)..yes,sometimes they serve me just fine in tiny scripts of manipulations,but most of the times i lie for the simple  pleasure of lying of making up stories,for hiding myself,for the safty of living a life that is not my own...i  lie to my parents,to my friends,to my professors and my neighbours,to all without discriminations.. sometimes innocent,floating lies sometimes highly  "creative",elaborate stories(i am a creative girl,indeed :) ) and other times just sick,cheap lies..i never tell lies that would make me look better or lies meant to hurt others or anything of that sort.i hold them all dear,all the masks,all the silly stories..all that helps me run away from myself...these masks replaced "me" so much to the point of almost complete alteration of my very perception of myself..i so often forget the truth,the "real one"..this has been my goal as a child,i suppose..im afraid to see the hollowness,the numbness,the all so pathetic sense of utter loneliness that im all about..i am so alone and so phony in this invented version of life..i never told this before..nobody knows im anything different than what i seem to be..i would never admit all these to a therapist,i would never voice these out loud.im so used to having myself devoiced,i guess...i don t know why i wanted to share this...i dont know if i want to stop...im afraid ther's no one behind the masks..just thin air..i don t know if i expect any kind of advice,i know i dont want be labeled(even i can tell i am a compulsive liar) or judged.i just wanted to"talk"...
arden arden
22-25, F
2 Responses Sep 3, 2007

I feel the same way. I used to be way worse than I am now...I barely do it anymore, but it used to be that I would lie as things like what I had for breakfast. It seemed as if a truth couldn't possibly ever come out of my mouth...but now it's the opposite. I still have a few very big lies that I continually perpetuate, but mostly I'm reformed..so don't worry...there's hope for you yet ;) I figured out one main reason why I lied all the time...and that was simply for protection. If people didn't know the real me, they couldn't hurt me.....

I have a friend who spin lies habitually. He is a great guy, and very interesting to talk to, but I know not to believe anything he says about himself. This makes it hard for him to be in a relationship, or even keep people close to him, because everything is a fabrication. Have faith in the people around you that the personality they see in you is the one they want to be friends with, and maybe you won't be as lonely. Best of luck to you.