I Am Not Who They Think I Am

What They Dont Know, I'm a Damn Good Actress Too..

By: lostlolli

Written on September 17th, 2009

People who meet me or at least, thought that they knew me, would describe me as happy,lucky and the one people would admired.

But the sad truth is, I knew none of the thoughts are true. I rarely show my real feelings, most of them are hidden under a convincing facade. I could even cover my eyes with my hand..smiling and laughing while tears streaming down without them noticing that I was sad.

My family would never guessed that I am capable of being this depressed. Because I always potrayed a happy, problem-free daughter. Maybe because I believed that I am loved by them. Or at least so. I will never reveal the darker side of me to anyone from my family, because..I want them to be happy with me. To not worry about a thing about me. I wanted to stay that way.

Only few of my close friends know who I really am.But that doesn't mean they knew everything about me either.

I guess this is the result of self-hatred & the anxiety of people hating the real me..;(

By: lostlolli

Age: 26-30 , Female

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4 responses

lostlolli

Thanks for all the response, guys..:')

yeah,it's tiring to conceal myself behind this facade too, but sometimes when I let the mask slipped out, even for a tiny bit, people would make a bit fuss about it, which left me uncomfortable in the end. :D ever heard of the quote "Smile.It's easier than explaining why you are sad." ? something like that.

@ Marilyn Morose, it's not like something really bad happened to me in my younger days but, along the way to be I am now, I experienced overwhelmed feelings like.." I'm only burden my parents with all sorts of my sickness (operation, dengue)".."Im like the child who wasn't suppose to be there".."life would be better without me"..and " I am pretty..pretty ugly."

Worse, early this year, I got into a car accident, & it was entirely my fault because of my selfish judgment. Although nobody hurts badly during the accident, but it has damaged me psychologically. I'm reliving it..with guilt. So I resorted to mild self-harm, but it has stopped. (& believe me it's really,really hard)

Sep 18, 2009
1 like
MarilynMorose

lostlolli...not to seem facetious or anything, but did anything happen to you when you were younger? The feelings that you described are manifestations of something deep, which is causing the real you to hide. I can relate...but, i can tell you, it's too much work concealing yourself...and you hurt alot of people along the way, cause they can not begin to understand the "real" you. Can you afford to put up this front for the rest of your life? It's one thing to tell people to **** off cus they have a problem with the real you...but it's another to **** someone over cus you don't like the real you.

Sep 17, 2009
2 likes
mila7caffe

im exactly the same... the only difference is that i got tired of it and i have let a lot of people know what its really like to be behind a facade.... ugh

Sep 17, 2009
2 likes
jerkina

how long can you keep this facade for.. it will only show up when you become tired...

This is when you find a masterpiece in you, you never knew or thought possible... it simply means it is only being that you and only you. That caring and loving you :)

Sep 17, 2009
2 likes

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