I Am Not Who They Think I Am
I realized that I wanted more out of life, to be a mother one day and raise a family. When I was 3 years old I was diagnosed with learning disabilities, and have been receiving special education services throughout my 13 years of school. I have always, according to my best friend have always been happy and smiley no matter what the situation was.
But, this started happening my junior year of high school. My junior year was hell for me. For starters, my grandpa had passed that February 8th 2008 and I was so close to my grandpa. It was also hard enough to see my dad cry because I never have before. I remember that day so clearly. My dad had took off of work for a couple of days to go down to Georgia to see his dad (my grandpa) because he wasn’t doing well at all. I was in school and later on that day when I was in class I got a note saying to go to the office. So, I walked out of the classroom with my backpack on my shoulders. My dad was standing there in the hallway waiting for me. Right then I knew something was wrong because I new my dad was going to go and see him. However, before my dad even told my I already figured it out. My grandpa had passed that morning. I wanted to cry but I just didn’t have the courage to do so in front of my dad because I wanted to be strong for him.
Then that April of 2008 I felt pressured between school, parents, college talks, changes, me, life, teachers, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. In high school I was known as the girl who never talked. Trust me though I have always been the kind of girl who could care less about others peoples opinions I’m just doing my own thing. But, believe me I still had great friends, and still do till this day that love and support me all the time and I do the same for them.
But, that April I had gotten so stressed out that I was scared about moving on. One night before I went to bed I took out scissors from my nightstand and cut my wrist. It felt so good, so relieving, so painful, it was like I was not good for anyone, and so I continued for 4-5 months cutting myself. It became an obsession for me almost every night. I would also tend to cry myself to sleep. I felt like no one cared about me its was like everyone was just nagging me about everything. For me, being learning disabled some of my teachers thought I was stupid or something. They would tell me “oh you cant do that, or you cant be that, that’s not the right answer, no I will not explain it again to you, no I will not help you again” they shared no respect for me and that brought my self esteem way down.
When I cut myself I actually liked the feeling of the pain it was like I deserved it or something and when my scares faded away I would cut again to get them back. I had all together attempted suicide 5-7 times in about two years junior year and this past April of 2009 two months before my high school graduation. I didn’t want to graduate at all.
Junior year I had attempted suicide about 5 times and one night I was so close to succeeding but I was scared. I began to think of when I was 12 years old. My dad chewed tobacco and I remember one day my parents were in the kitchen and I was in the other room watching television. My dad had pulled that tin container out of his pocket and all I remember hearing was what my mom yell “do you want to live till ( my name) graduates from high school” and the next day my dad had quite just like that in a flash.
When I was 15 years old a freshmen in high school my dad was diagnosed with head and neck cancer. The doctors said that if he did not survive that he would only have three more years to live. But, back then I had no suicidal thoughts or anything I was just worried about my dad and I had to go to school and put on a happy face for everyone. I was hard seeing my dad as sick as he was and it was hard for him as well because I have two older sisters and my mom and my dads the only man in the house and he felt like he wasn’t doing his job because we were all taking care of him. But, it was worth it because my dad survived his cancer and is now doing better then ever. But, I thought about this for awhile and wonder if this could have been one reason of why I was thinking of suicide.
My junior year I had written about 4 suicidal poems that I wanted others to read because I know I needed help. But, I still continued to cut my wrist and forced myself to bleed. No one could tell that I was suicidal at all even my parents or my close friends no one knows about it except me (and my boyfriend who I just told recently) but no one knows anything about it. The thing is I knew I needed help but I didn’t want to tell anyone about it because it was just my secret I was keeping from the world and I knew if I told someone that they would not believe me because I’m always so happy and smiley most of the time.
This past April 2009 I started to cut myself again but only attempted suicide 1-2 times. I have began to think about suicide again but not committing it. What stopped me that night I was almost successful in committing suicide was for the reason that my niece was born January 26th, 2008 and I thought about it and I said to myself I want her to know her auntie, I want to play a role in her life, and I want to see her grow up. So, I think that’s what stopped me. However, the same thing might have saved me the second time I was thinking suicidal thoughts because my other sister had a baby girl February 20th , 2009 and I said the same things to myself. But, also I didn’t want to hurt anyone I know because I didn’t want them to suffer as well.
So, in the meantime, I think my nieces saved me from most of these suicidal thoughts. However, though I still think about suicide I read suicide stories and it sometimes makes me want to start cutting myself again (but I haven’t been at least not yet). But, I have a strong feeling that these suicidal thoughts will come back to me because it has already happened twice and I’ve attempted 7 times and almost succeeded once but I didn’t. I’m just afraid that it will come back because it has already happened and I feel like its with me forever like its going to stay in my mind. I know I have a problem because hurting or thinking about hurting myself makes me feel good in a way. But, I haven’t cut myself since April of this year. Now, since I’m a freshmen in college though things still do get just as stressful. Therefore, the only person that knows about my suicidal attempts is me and my boyfriend who asked me to please talk to him if I ever have thoughts of suicide because he doesn’t want to loose me and I don’t want to loose him. So, I’m trying to stay strong and get through this. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do? And I thank you so much for taking your time to read my story.
