Put A Fork In Her, She Is Done!

I usually come across as "loud and gorgeous" a real happy, people person, who has it all together, nothing could be further than the truth. I totally lied to my boss yesterday when she said that I was so social and great with people, (I said that I love people) but the truth is, I fear and avoid them most days. I would rather stick a fork through my hand than go to a big party where I had to act like I care about all the superficial BS that people spew at me. I am most happy when I am alone, I enjoy painting, reading, gardening, nature walks, and mostly hanging out with my dogs and with my one true, best friend and flat mate. The older you become, the longer your story is, and I am so tired of telling it over and over, hoping someone new will get the real me, so I keep most people at a distance. I have also had a bit of a wild ride when it comes to life and certain, private experiences must always remain that way in order to protect myself from closed minds that I encounter. We all put on masks for people from time to time, but mine is always on in public. It's funny how talking to strangers on-line can be so liberating, I can be myself finally, and I don't fear revealing my true self.

I am.........42, divorced, a victim of rape, have been stalked/attacked, physically/mentally abused by my mother, never recovered from the death of my father (thus, the "brokenandlost" nickname), sexually assaulted by former employers, had a gun held to my head, had my life threatened, lost friends to heroin, had a few meltdowns, occasionally smoke pot, married a gay man, not really a blonde (haha), my perfect skin is a carefully spackled make-up job and, although I am intelligent and highly educated, I have always been a career disaster.

people see.......I am 32, single, fun loving, loud and boisterous, positive minded people person, not as smart as I look, and up for anything.

Where do people get these ideas? People meet you and instantly form thier own opinions. They want to fit you into a neat little category in their minds, they think they know who you are instantly, before getting to know the real you. I have had people run screaming when they get a glimpse, they couldn't or didn't want to see where I came from or what I had to overcome to get where I am today. This type of rejection can make you want to stay in your shell, but I am way too old to hide anymore. I know who I am, I worked hard to get where I am, it may not be perfect but I am finally content with me, and if I meet people who want to get to know me better, I take it slow and try not to feel too bad when they ultimately decide that they don't understand me.

thanks for listening :) 

brokenandlost brokenandlost
41-45, F
1 Response Feb 7, 2010

It's funny how we percieve ourselves vs how others see us. In the last year I've had several people from my past track me down and contact me most unexpectedly. Some talked of the old days and how everyone had seen me as the king of my high school and had admired me. What?!?!? I'd been an unhappy dope fiend rocker on the outer fringes in my eyes. Others said when I told them I'd basically become a hermit these days "What? No way! You had/have it all!" I just don't get it.