I Hide Myself Because They Will Never Understand.

Sorry it will be long.  I never grew up with my real father.  At age 3 my mother started seeing a man.  By 4 they were married.  Thats when the abuse started.  While my mother worked graveyards I was left alone with an alcoholic sicko.  since my mother selpt right after work for most of the day and worked a 12 hour shift I went to a sitter and was dropped off by my step father and picked up by him as well.  I normally was able to see my mother on her days off.  I had been beaten and molested.  Like you hear alot he had told me if I told anyone he would hurt me and my mother.  For years the abuse continued.  I had learned how to go somewhere else in my mind when it was happening.  I eventually lost most of my childhood memories through the course of my childhood.  I remember bits here and there and not one good memory as a kid.  I can remember the abuse and not much more.  There was not many happy times anyways.  When I was 12 my mother divorced the sicko but the courts gave him visitation even though when the courts asked me if I wanted him to have visitation I said no I hate him.      I was forced to go with him every weekend.  He was a large man.  6 foot tall and about 250lbs and he was always working out and very strong.  I was only 12 but I knew what he was doing was wrong and I tried to fight back.  I got hurt many times from his beatings.  At that age it was just easier for him to beat me till i was knocked out so he could rape me.  I started to act out when back at home with my mother.  I started fighting so I could learn how to fend him off.  By 13 I was still a small kid by standards but I had developed thick skin and could not only take full swings from a grown man but a drive to inflict damage.  When I became too difficult to molest anymore he set his sights on a couple of his young family members.  When I saw him attempt to start doing to them what he had done to me I became enraged.  It was one thing to abuse me but I could not allow him to cause this pain to anyone else.  I got in his way and there was a huge fight.  By luck alone and pure rage built up over years of abuse I hurt him so bad he had to go to the hospital.  The cops were going to take me away and charge me until I told them why and showed them what they needed to put him away.  I thought things would get better.  My mother then got with a guy from our town and he moved in.  Even at 13 I knew who he was and what he did.  My mother was blinded by bullshit as she always does when it comes to the man she dates.  I was never a first thought to her.  Her men were her first priority.  Soon after he moved in he thought because my step father abused me that he could issue his own form of abuse.  He tried to force me to be the test subject to sample his cocaine.  His first attempt failed as I put up a fight and would not allow him to abuse me like that.  I promptly told my mother to be told I am a liar and just trying to keep her from being happy.  When my mother was not around he would blind side me with punches (cheap shots) and had gone as far as to enlist the help of his friends to jump me in my room and beat me so bad i urinated blood for a week.  I had coughed up blood for 3 days and a lot more.  When I told my mother what happened she told me I was a liar and was trying to cover I got in a fight at school.  But I had not been in any fights at school all year.  I knew then not to go to the cops because snitches end up in ditches.  One day the police raided our house and took him in where he ended up snitching.  A month later him and my mother came home drunk from the bar.  I was woke up by them yelling then I heard him slap her.  I came up from behind him with a baseball bat and swung at his ribs.  He went down and ran out of the house in his tighty whities.  when my mother got out of the hospital he tried to force his way back in the house.  I was pulled off him by police after the neighbor called 911.  After that he stayed  out of our lives.  ^ months after he was out of the house for good the people he snitched on had killed him.  I always think it could have been me and my mother killed with him.  At 15 I was an animal that belonged in a cage.  I had no grasp on my anger and found pleasure in inflicting pain on others who would oppose me.   When I was 18 every person in my town of 2500 knew who I was, what I had done and what had been done to me.  I started to see a shrink due to a court order because I was looked at as a habitual violent person.  The shrink helped me a lot and showed me how to control my anger and a better way to displace my frustration.  He found I had good morals even though I solved my problems with my fists.  He changed my life.  He helped me kick my drug habit, and find peace in myself.  I have since not been that person in over 13 years.  I do not have a good relationship with my mother or any family as they still look at me as I was when younger.  When I meet people or talk to friends I never talk about my life before 21 years old.  I had told my ex-wife and during our split decided to trash talk me to our friends telling them about my childhood and teen years.  Those friends will not speak to me or her again.  Me because now they see me as a freak and a monster.  They don't talk to her because she spread my most embarrassing parts of my life to everyone.  It bothers women I date that I don't talk about my childhood like I have something to hide.  Its not like I can tell them and have them look at me the same.  People tend to lose respect for me when they find out.  i don't want pity or any special treatment.  But my past is a big part of who I am today and its a shame no one will ever know the real me for society has yet to learn how to react to a person who has been through the abuse I have had forced upon me.  I bare scars from my step fathers abuse.  My ex's have asked about my scars and get no answer.  How do you say i was burned all over my body with cigarettes and other scars I wont even share how he inflicted on here.  I can't explain why I have problems sleeping or why when I dream I only see the memories of the abuse or why I wake up screaming and sweating.  Its clear to me from my failed relationships that due to my childhood and lack of health and dental care as a child mixed with me putting my ex's needs and wants before my own well being that I am destined to be alone and die with out knowing someone truely loved me for me.  I tend to think I have no chance at having a decent life as I am sure I will never find someone to love me.  I am tired of putting myself into relationships and yet being the only one that can give and show the love I am capable of and getting only hurt in return.  I feel as if I would be better off moving into the mountains to a secluded place with just me and my dog as there is no one in this world for me. 

epicallybroken epicallybroken
31-35, M
Feb 21, 2010