Their Love Is Killing Me

I've tried to commit suicide multiple times. All of the time were half hearted except for the last time. The last time i tried to kill myself would have been the time i succeeded and it is the only time my family knows about. I swallowed seventy something different pills waited ten minutes and texted my cousin telling her what i had done and said goodbye. I was five and a half hours away from home at college so i thought i would succeed, but the cops soon showed up and i was rushed to the hospital. Ever since then i have to walk on eggshells around my family. Every day is the same. i wake up paint a smile on and show them the happy face they are so desperate to see when what i really want to do is crawl into bed go to sleep and never wake up. I've suffered with depression for years and it gets worse every day but i can't say anything or show how i really feel. My family is good to me, they love me, and they care deeply for me. so how can i go up to them and say that despite the wonderful life you have given me and all the love you shower me with i am miserable and just want to go away and never come back or go hide somewhere and die. They all worry about me especially my grandmother. She is the person i am closest to in the world. She worries about me all the time even though all she sees from me is happiness. I mean after years of hiding my feelings i've gotten really good at it. So how can i tell her the truth. it would kill her and the rest of my family. I am getting to the point where i ca not stand being around my family because their love is killing me. i don't understand how they love me so much when all i do is hate myself

gaspj072 gaspj072
18-21, M
3 Responses Feb 22, 2010

look i became the same when i failed an entrance for which i had tried hard for. i just wanted sleep and sleep. my life had become directionless. for two months i just watched tv,sat on net . i didnt go out for fear of meetin my friends. at last i thought there are only two options. either i should suicide or if i live i m not livin like this. clearly the second one was better as i cudnt imagine my parents and my gf cryin. so i moved on and started workin hard again. i dnt know whats ur reason bt friend '"what has happened has happened" . Now live life to the full. set urself a goal and move on. cowards do suicides and u arnt that. u are much better than that.

You can't keep how you feel away from those you love, they deserve to know the truth. No one can judge you for feeling the way you day, each and every human being ever has felt depression in some sort of form. And when we begin to let it eat us up, and not seek strength from those around us, is when it swallows us. I can't say I know completely how you feel, but I've had seriously low points in my life, and I have had a family member who killed themselves, and a significant other who I feel as if I rescued from that brink. So don't give up, cause you never know who you might've met the next day.

i can relate...i dont understand why the further we try to push away...the closer they want to get. It is smothering and suffocating to an extent that drives you up the wall... I've tried indulging in the attention, tried telling myself..."well its better than having no arms or legs, better than being blind.." it just doesn't work...antidepressants also didn't work...the only thing that worked for me was when I met my boyfriend....his love for me is blind. you need to find someone who you can call your "common sense" and find strength to carry on. Life is ****...but you don't have to go through it trying to push everyone away. Find your catalyst.