Why?

Why?



Its a question permanently on my mind since i was a young child, it looks like i never got passed the question phase. It shapes me and my relationships. I have a "need" to find out the reasons behind choices, actions and behaviors. Mine and from everyone else around me. I consider myself a student of Human behavior. Im like the handy shrink for family and friends.

I look at everything like a detective on a crime scene so its incredibly difficult to surprise me. I look at glances, expressions, body movement, voice, silences, any detail is food for thought. I manipulate people to prove to myself im right about them, im constantly testing people around me without them knowing.

Obviously i do it to me too, which everyone can imagine puts me in severe stress from time to time.

Focusing on the group title no one really knows who i am, most people have no idea i manipulate, study and use them. Those long time friends and family whom ive told about this never really get its meaning, they find it cool when i discover they are pregnant or had sex the night before but no one realizes how it shapes our relation.

Knowing people better than they know themselves or knowing secrets people would never share limits the way i let them into my life. Because of that i dont trust people with all bits and pieces of my life, i hide parts of my life from people, sure many of you do the same but what to do when you find the love of your life?

Romantic relationships are a nightmare, they always start fast and furious, i guess its my way to avoid thinking about it before. After a time, days in case i see somethings i cant live with or months in case i really like them, my attitude changes for things they never said but i know are in their lips. We cant talk about it because they never said it so i end up forcing it out causing discussions. I cant be honest about it because they call me crazy for noticing such small details and lie straight to my face (most of the times without knowing they are actually liying) only to see i was right months or years afterwards. Yes i keep in touch :) hey i need to verify my suspicions :P

After this happens everything starts going down the drain, sometimes slower, sometimes faster, depends how long we can hang to each other. I cant stand being lied to, so "love" dies out and i end up having them dump me. Same happens with friends and family.

What can i do? I cant choose not to know stuff, sure i can try and dismiss it but it will only linger until the next discussion, problem or until someone new shows up.



Thanks for reading

 

Peixinho Peixinho
31-35, M
Feb 25, 2010