Feel Like Two Different People

I am a wife, a mother, a good worker, a daughter and a sister.  I continue to have this life and everyone continues to think I am happy.  I am not happy.. I feel desperate and alone... like I am drowning.  I can barely catch my breath.  I feel trapped and there is no way out.

I am only 31 but is this what a midlife crisis feels like?  I love my kids.  I care for my husband,..not in love at this moment but hopefully I am working on this.  But I feel like I want freedom.. wait that I NEED freedom.  Married at 20.  Looking back I understand that at that time I was not a full complete person yet.. so to find a partner.. to find what I need.. that would also be incomplete.  Well I know what I want now.. some of those traits my husband has and other traits he does not.  It is not fair to him.  He loves me, wants to be with me.. I know he is cheated... I have told him that I feel empty.  That I do not have the same feelings for him as I once did.  we are in counseling.. yet I feel this is also a sham.  It is a Christian Counselor. Which I am.. but I am a sinner.

I have cheated on my husband.  This past year when he was gone for the year (due to his work) I began an affair with a friend of a friend.  He was a big boned doofy type of guy.  I did not love him but he made me feel sexy and needed. He made me feel that I was just not the woman with spit up from a baby on her shoulder.. that I was funny, witty and cleaver.  It wasnt about the sex.  Yes we had sex.  but it wasnt mind blowing.. what really made this affair for me is the connection.   Somone to talk to before I went to bed.  Someone to get advice on and lean on.  I am married to a military man.  And my military man is married to the military.  I am married to be single.. In the past two years I have been with him physically three months.  This next year he will only be home on weekends,  I ended the affair after a month.  I knew it was wrong.. but as bad as it is.. I dont regret it. 

I know I am not the best looking girl.. but I know I am not the worst.  I have had guys flirt with me.. and it is hard to resist.. but I have.  I dont want to have another affair.  I started to look online for an emotional connection.  Heck.. if the person is thousands of miles away.. what could really happen anyway?  well what DID happen is I met someone.. again that emotional connection.  He doesnt know that I am married or that I have kids.  I did tell him that I was with a man for 10 years and things are on the verge of ending.. why or why do I lie?

This other man is like a DRUG and I am HIGHLY addicted.  I think of him all of the time. I am falling for him so very hard... and I know he is falling for me.  We talk and text everyday.  He told me last night that he came home early from a night out with his friends just so he could talk to me.  He asks me what are we doing.  He says that our feelings are REAL but in reality we both know it wouldnt work.  See he has no committments.. and I know that I could never hold him back from his adventures,  He says that we should just 'go with the flow" and not think about it.. but we both agree we are addicted  and dont want to/cant stop right now.

My husband and I had our first therapy appt.  She asked us if we had o ther cheated.. right after preaching to us about the Bible.  I told her no.. but I think she looked through me.  My husband said if I ever cheated he would leave me.  I deserve to me left.. I know this.. but I cant hurt him.. although I know I am .. but I cant hurt my kids.. loose everything... although I know I deserve to loose everything too.  The therapist is CHRISTIAN and so believes all marriages should work... was kind of hoping she could be less judgemental.. I mean can I grow back in love with my husband?  How to reconnect if we only have weekends together?

Meanwhile.. I talk to this other guy everyday after the kids go to bed. He lives in a "big city" two states away.  I told my husband I have a work conference there next month.  My husband says I should go.  I told the other guy I have a work conference in his city.. but Im not sure I am going.  The other guy says we should meet. 

I want to meet him.  I want to be with him.. and then.. as hard as it will be.. I want to end it.  But to go with out ever meeting him.. I do n t know if I can do that.  I am hoping we hate eachother and then it would be easy.. but if we love eachother.. it would be hell..I was thinking of telling the other guy that we are going to meet and then I am getting off the cam chat line for good.. just stop COMPLETLY as you would any addiction.

This is all I think about day and night...

alyssakimm alyssakimm
31-35, F
1 Response Mar 12, 2010

That's alot to take in. Theres so many sides to your story that I feel like there's no real right answer. First, on a female level, I completely understand your desire and your need for a man and that you have connected to someone that is not your husband, and it's not easy to just let it go. As wrong as it is, when your chatting it up with him, it just feels so right that it beats the feeling of wrong. But it is wrong, it is most definitely wrong. Listen you have one life, you have a husband and kids and you are terribly confused and torn apart. You cannot go on doing this to your husband OR your kids. If you don't feel that connection with your husband anymore and really don't see yourself being happy with him, then just leave him. From the way things seem, it seems like you will always be searching and needing for someone else, looking for those things your husband lacks. Think about if your kids ever found out what you had done or are doing, thats so disturbing for a child and you seem so much smarter than that. <br />
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This guy that you are talking to, if he wants to just go with the flow and takes things as they are, he won't be able to handle you. Again, you have kids. You lied to him as well. Say you two fell in love and it was all sunshine and rainbows when you met, from the way he sounds, you admitting you have kids is not going to keep him, especially with his little adventures he likes to take. <br />
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I suggest this councillor of yours is pretty pointless too, she might be able to help a bit but I think your marriage needs way more then that. It all begins with honesty, and if you can't be honest, you will get no where.<br />
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All the best.