Daily Pretending!!!

I have been married  and divorced 4 times, not that I ever planned it, or wanted it.  From the time I was my daughter's age, about 14, all I wanted was to be like my mother, married and being a wonderful loving Mom.  I wanted to feel special in someone's life. Someone who would want to come home and hang his hat at the door.  What I have experienced, has been abuse, liars and cheaters.  I am not certain as to why I ever got involved with any of them for not one of them care about anyone but themselves.  But maybe deep inside I wanted to change their way of thinking...

Last year I was involved with a man, he taught me things I never knew of myself, he could make me laugh, and I loved hearing his Texan accent, he was tall, blue eyed and wonderfully kind and sweet.  He was a giver. He was everything I never knew a man could be.  He was lonely, and I stepped in. He made me feel warm, and cared for. Yes, I fell for him! After awhile,  he backed away, he left for Huston for a class reunion, and came home wanting and needing me, so he said.  I ran to him with full speed. What we shared was short lived, he died in a car accident.  When I was told it took my breath away, it came out later that this man loved just about every woman in this STATE!!! He was on several internet dating sites, he was on IM talking and flirting with women everywhere and he slept with most he was in contact with. This was the man who said to me HEY LET'S GET MARRIED!!!  Not once but twice! This from a man who the last time I saw him came from behind me wrapped his arms tightly around me and said I LOVE YA BABE as he kissed the back of my neck.   The pain of all of this hurt so deeply, I went to his funeral, and there were women all over, there were women on facebook saying that the man who was their closest friend died, seeking comfort, there are women stating how short life can be on there sights refering to their experience of their loss for him... while I sat quietly in tears and shock.  It was then my heart shattered so much that the pieces are no longer able to be put back together.  Something inside me snapped!!!

I have now done a daily pretend...smiling being happy, with my family and such, but inside the heart is gone! I am nothing inside, but the outside shows the person all want me to be.  It is a very large shell that hides what is deep inside...it hides the woman who is now taking on her dead lover's lifestyle in some small degree. I am on the internet dating things and though there really arent true men out there that want any more than a one night stand...when I am lonely, I just go for it!  I don't tell anyone, I just go off and do it while everyone who knows me is at work or school. Never at night never in my home.

Does this behavior make me feel good? NO!  Does it heal what is inside? NO! So why do this? I am not sure, all I do know is that I feel lost, trying to be someone I am not. And trying to behave in a way everyone expects me too... He has been gone now for three months, and there is still a huge hole in my soul.  I am not sure if there is a cure. 

mycorner mycorner
46-50, F
Mar 14, 2010