I Have a High Iq and Yet I Feel Stupid
I am a member of Mensa. I have an IQ of 152, and yet, I feel stupid and worthless.
I was an underachiever when I was in gradeschool and in high school. I cannot keep my mind on one thing. School bored me. I'd often play hookey. I'd go home after recess and read the books that I wanted to read.
I'm good at a lot of things, but I'm "a jack of all trades and a master of none," as Shakespeare would put it. Most of the time, I just feel like a jackass.
Nobody thought that I would be a college dropout. I was a full scholar at the Ateneo de Manila University, one of the top universities in our country. I didn't graduate from college because I couldn't focus on my studies. A lot of things vied for my attention, which was scattered all over the place.
Last year, I had a major depressive episode. I was a call center professional. I knew I was good at my job, but for some reason, I felt stupid. I also had this nagging feeling that I was about to lose my job although there was no reason for me to worry. I was always anxious. I felt that I was always doing something wrong.
I'm now staying in my hometown, in a province hundreds of kilometers away from the nearest city. Jobs are scarce for college dropouts like me, but I have Internet access so I telecommute. I do have a job. I work as a transcriptionist, and again, I have this nagging feeling that I am about to lose my job. I have been making a lot of mistakes and sometimes, I'm late in submitting my transcripts because I can't focus on my job. I need to keep this job because I'm the breadwinner of our family.
I went to a psychiatrist last year and I was told that I may have attention deficit disorder (ADD). She prescribed some medications but I decided against taking them because of the side effects. I have had gastrointestinal problems before and the medicines she prescribed has some adverse effects on the gastrointestinal system. Besides, I cannot afford to buy the medicines.
I don't know what to do. Is there any treatment for ADD that does not require oral medications?
I want to stop feeling like a failure. Most of my former classmates are now successful professionals here and abroad. I envy them. The future seems to be so bleak for me. I don't know what to do. Please help me.