Why I Am This Way

I don't know where to start really.


Ok, I know. As a child most of my family was obese. I was always the slimmer one until I became pregnant with my first child. Now before I got pregnant I was overweight by 21-28lbs and even then people used my weight as a weapon against me. I guess it is the same thing for most people, school was awful as there were a few guys that went out of their way to make me feel bad. Looking back at pictures I actually looked fine.

Fast forward to 20yrs old and having just given birth I was gutted to find I had gained 70lbs. It was at this point that I developed bulimia. I could be a walking advertisement for the perils of bulimia. I just wanted to be a slim Mum but had no encouragement whatsoever from my then husband.

I joined a diet club and did their diet and purged all of the way through it. I lost all of the weight and looked terrible but nobody ever sussed why my skin was so bad or why I had no energy. I remained this way for years. Depressed, scared, and in a relationship that should have ended years before.

We split eventually and I met my now husband instantly. I have the most wonderful person with me but unfortunately he loves his food.

Within the first 6 months of our relationship I had a complete breakdown after my only sister, only sibling was killed outright in a car crash. I wanted to die too but could not leave my child. My husband was strong enough for me to lean on and I became settled but was living a lie.

That happened over 6 years ago now. In the last few years I have had therapy and most of the time I feel ok. I still have extremely dark days. My Son is now a teenager and a couple of years back I had a wonderful daughter.

My bulimia changed drastically and I stopped but I was still binging. My weight crept up and over the years I gained a staggering 140lb. Life is such a struggle, I have the odd day where I binge and purge. I don't know why I do it, the weight piles on.

Last year I joined a new weightloss club. I am down 53lb with another 90ish to go.

On the outside I am changing slowly. How do I change on the inside? I look at myself and think what a horrible, selfish person I am. I am 34 years old now and I feel like I have trashed my life.

moomoo75 moomoo75
31-35, F
1 Response Feb 2, 2010

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