I Can't Get Out Of This Hole I Have Created With My Fat!

I don't know how I got here! I am a good person and have tried my whole life to do the right thing but always seem to get the shaft. I just don't know what I am donig wrong. I had my whole life planned out at 18 and nothing has turned out the way I wanted it to or thought it would be. I married the wrong man and devoted 28 years to trying to better him and give him a family and yes, I did but he turned out to be the creep everyone told me he was 28 years ago and I didn't listen. I used to have a great career and he couldn't hold a job but I pushed him to go to school and become something while I stayed home and took care of his children so they would have a life I never had. Well, everyone was taken care of but me. When he left after 28 years he moved out without telling me. I didn't even notice he was slowly moving his stuff out. THAT is how naive and trusting I was. He deserted me and his two kids two and a half years ago for a nurse half his age and then got her pregnant while we were still married. Never bonded with this kids and never sees them. He is still with the nurse and their new baby girl. I wanted to try for another child so bad but didn't because I didn't want to push another child that he didn't want on him but he seems happy with this new one he has with her. After being home with the kids so long I could not find a job in my profession and had to go work as a cashier making minimum wage. My house is in foreclosure and my boys are almost grown. I had a horrible attorney for my divorce and got the short end of the stick because I could not afford one and had one right out of college. I lost 118 lbs. after he lelft and felt like I was human again but have gained every pound back. I don't know how it happened. This is the second time I have lost 100 lbs. only to put it back on. I can't move. Everything hurts. The life I started to get together after he left is falling apart because I can't control my weight. I am at a loss. I have done the right thing my whole life by everyone and I feel so angry I have been forgotten and disregarded. It hurts. I don't know how to get out of this hole I am in. I want so much to at least get back to where I was when I lost the weight but every day I get up and eat myself into a coma. Why do I keep hurting myself like this? I am killing any chance I have at having a decent life yet I shove my face full of junk food every day like I am filling some sort of hole. I felt a bit of promise and hope when I lost that weight and want to get back there. I need to get to the bottom of why I hurt myself like this. Losing weight won't solve my problems or ease what I have been through but it will give me some confidence to face a life that I have to rebuild. What am I waiting for?
Bluegummybear Bluegummybear
46-50, F
Jan 8, 2013