When the One You Want, Doesn't Want You Back
What To Do When the One You Want Doesn't Want You Back
by Tom McKnight.
by Tom McKnight.
Love, when it hits, can affect a person in funny, unexpected ways.
Before you're smitten, you can feel so free and on top of the world. Things are going just great! Even though you're single, you're popular with your friends. You're happy. Life seems to be going your way. You feel like you don't need anything or anybody. And then one day, boom, you get hit right in the face with an attraction for someone who you know would be the icing on your cake, if only they could feel that same way about you, too. Yes, if only!
But, invariably, they won't. At least that's what your experience in life has proven to you up until this point in time. Because as attractive as you have been throughout your life to the many who may have wanted you, you've learned that the minute you start wanting someone in particular, they won't want you back!
It's like some perverse law decreed in the Courts of the Universe, before the world began:
"People may only be romantically interested in you until you start liking them back."
For some reason, it appears that you may have all the adoration and love you can stand, but it is destined to always be one-sided. The ones you don't want adore you, but the ones you do want never want you back! Every time you narrow your interests to one particular heartthrob, they will suddenly and without explanation lose any possible feelings of reciprocation for you.
What's going on here, for heaven's sake? Is it just some big cosmic joke?
The answer is: No.
What has actually been happening is a totally predictable phenomenon of human behavior, once you understand the psychological underpinnings of it. For this scene of human romance that has played itself out, over and over, countless times in the intense drama of the human race, is actually the product of simple psychological laws.
The bad news is that the pain has been so great for so many who have lived and died in the throes of rejection and self-doubt because of it.
The good news is that the phenomenon, once properly understood, is controllable and reversible! That's right. You understand me correctly. What I'm saying is that the despair known by rejected lovers since the world first began need not be your destiny! Knowledge of why people reject one another in romantic situations is key to empowering you to prevent it from ever sabotaging your hopes again. And over the next several minutes I'm going to outline for you in this brief article what exactly causes the rejection phenomenon so many have thought to be a puzzle without a solution, and hand you the keys to winning the one you want.
Recipe for Love
Human beings, like other creatures of this world, are subject to the natural laws of their earthly existence. It is clear that we all have certain needs in order to survive and flourish. We need oxygen to breathe. We need water to drink. And we need food to eat. These needs are the most obvious ones. They are at the base of our pyramid of ascending needs.
But we also have less obvious needs, social needs higher up on the pyramid, such as the need for acknowledgment, and communication with other people. The need highest up on the pyramid, though, of which we now speak, is the need to love and be loved. We call this romantic love.
A principle to keep in mind at all times is that the One You Want, whoever he or she may be, is still a human being and is subject to the same laws and needs as the rest of the human race. No matter how intimidated you may feel at times, you can rest assured that their needs are no different than the rest of us. Meeting those needs is, in effect, a recipe for winning their love and heart.
And what are those needs?
Well, as far as romantic love goes they are three: FRIENDSHIP, RESPECT, and PASSION.
Friendship is simply where human beings meet one another's needs for ATTENTION, UNDERSTANDING, ACCEPTANCE, APPRECIATION, and AFFECTION.
Respect means having someone in your life upon whom you can lean for emotional support; someone you can look up to and admire who is emotionally independent of you.
Passion is simply the experience of wanting something so badly your teeth ache, figuratively speaking. In all of human experience there is only one condition that produces that kind of desire: NOT HAVING SOMETHING. The rule is: You want what you can't have (or can't seem to have, anyway.)
Now, with that little bit of background, let us seek to unravel the mystery of unreciprocated love.
Don't Open that Oven!
In the same way that meeting someone's emotional needs to get them to fall in love with you is like following a recipe, so can that recipe be spoiled. When you're baking a cake, for example, you don't open the oven halfway through the process or else the cake will fall and be ruined.
Well, in the same way, if you don't follow the proper steps to cultivate someone's love, you will have a spoiled result.
What has been happening to the majority of the human race as soon as they decide they start liking and wanting someone is that almost always they begin to divert from the proven recipe of love. They try to substitute in something else for the ingredient of RESPECT, usually some form of surrender.
It's only natural that when we've identified the person we want to be in love with that we are anxious to taste the fruits of that precious state, the fruits being the right to surrender our heart to them and have them take care of us, emotionally speaking. We all want to do it. That's the appeal of love: to have someone adore us so thoroughly and completely that we can let down our hair, be who we are, and still be loved totally unconditionally by them at that point!
The only problem is, it's still too soon in the process! It's like opening the oven door and trying to enjoy our cake before it's finished baking! For although we may have identified the One We Want, we have not yet finished the job of winning their heart.
Remember the second ingredient of romantic love that we mentioned a few paragraphs back? It is RESPECT. Respect is an attitude someone else has for you based on their perception that you are emotionally independent and self-reliant. Or, in other words, that you don't NEED them.
So, what usually happens when we start to let on that we want someone is that they begin to think right away that we need them, it reduces their perception of our emotional independence, thus reducing their respect and diminishing their prospects of feeling romantic love towards us. That, in a nutshell, is the underlying reason it seems like the ones you want never want you back! The enigma of love actually has a psychological basis!
The best part, though, is that once you understand what's happening, you can turn the sequence of events around to help you Win the One You Want! Remember, knowledge is power!
The Solution to the Enigma
Understanding the problem, now the solution becomes clear: When you identify the One You Want, realize that you're going to have to play it cool. Recognize, too, that as soon as the One You Want becomes even vaguely aware (and they will, at some point!) that you want them; their natural psychological response will be to interpret your wanting them as needing them.
There is a difference. It is flattering for a person to be wanted by someone who doesn't need them (at least too early in the process), but it is scary as heck to sense they've got someone on their tail who might have a budding fatal attraction for them that they can't get rid of!
Your job, as the pursuer, is to demonstrate by your actions that yours is the wanting of an emotionally strong person who can survive very well without them, who can take them or leave them, and still be a happy, emotionally well-adjusted person in your own right!
The first thing you must do, is not take it personally (or even too seriously) when the One You Want first shows indications of trying to escape you and your attentions all of a sudden. You must take their response as coolly as a seasoned fisherman who, when he first hooks a fish on his line, feels its immediate tug and desperate pulling away as the fish tries to escape from him! The fisherman doesn't panic. He knows it's just part of the process and that, in the end; he's still going to get that fish!
So often, when our lure has been noticed and our interest in someone first detected by them, we let our feelings get hurt and take it personally that they don't seem to want us in return. But the experienced fisherman knows it is not a personal rejection of him by the fish! It is the situation the fish is fighting, the desperate attempt to stay free!
In this kind of situation, you don't fight their attempt to escape. You show grace, poise, and dignity in your willingness to let them turn away from you while at the same time not chasing after them so hard that they begin to think they can't escape. Remember: the accomplished fisherman doesn't try to reel in his catch while it is putting up its most desperate struggle! No, he actually gives the fish more line. At the same time, he doesn't get discouraged thinking, "Poor me, this fish doesn't want me! I guess I'll have to cut my line!"
And yet, many hopeful lovers do just that! They feel so badly that the One They Want is putting up a struggle instead of just jumping right into their net that they give up completely and walk away from ultimate victory!
The effective thing to do is to stay cool. Don't act desperate, but don't give up completely, either. You command respect in these kinds of situations by backing off a little bit, but at the same time determining within yourself to come back with a renewed effort after a respectable amount of time has gone by.
In the Love Tactics SystemTM we teach many techniques to proactively cultivate the friendship of the One You Want, while at the same time commanding respect, but they all come down to this one fundamental principle: You demonstrate that you're unfazed by their rejection, showing that they don't have to love you, but still maintaining a positive relationship with them in the meanwhile. It's important that they sense you don't take their resistance personally!
The Key to Winning the One You Want
Summing up, then, what can you do when the One You Want doesn't want you back?
First, recognize that it's a programmed response, and it has nothing to do with you personally. Expect it to arise in most situations when your interest in someone first becomes evident.
Second, know for a certainty that this attitude can be overcome with a little finesse and strategic psychology.
Third, don't apologize, or make excuses, for your interest. Just humbly accept the initial lack of reciprocation shown towards you as your token of respect for their right to love whomever they want.
Fourth, don't push harder, but don't give up either. After backing off for a short while, assert yourself in friendship towards them. They may still be a little mistrustful of your motives, but once they become convinced that you fully accept being their friend, without needing to be their lover, they will then in due course accept your friendship. This, in turn, will become the foundation over time to eventually establish true romantic love.
Fifth, cultivate their FRIENDSHIP by not only being supportive emotionally to them, but by continuing to demonstrate your own emotional independence and, over time, even a bit of elusiveness on your part. When friendship is properly cultivated in this way it will eventually ripen into true romantic love. Once you understand the process, no fish can resist being caught, even though the fish was not yet made who wanted to be caught!!
You see, if you handle this right the fish never even realizes for the most part that it is being reeled in! This is because whenever the fish shows a lot of fight and resistance, the wise fisherman gives out just enough line to reassure it that he or she is still free. The fisherman never exerts any real force or pull in an all out battle of wills, until the fish is so tired of resisting and fleeing that it doesn't really care anymore to resist.
Now, go thou and do likewise!