Why So Obsessed?

This group probably seems really weird, but nobody knows me on here so I'm okay with that. People who know me would say that I am addicted to TV; that's probably true. I love watching television. I spend most of my day watching TV while I work. I have season(s) of many different television series' and I watch them over and over again. Until recently I denied my 'addiction' to everyone. Now I realize, I'm absolutely obsessed with watching other people's 'lives'. I like myself, but for most of my life I didn't. I hated everything about me. I hated what I thought; I hated what I looked like; I hated the way people looked at me; I hated being alive. I like myself now, but that does not mean that I'm any more comfortable with the world than I used to be. People are mean; heartless; manipulative; judgmental. I am socially awkward. I have friends, but when I meet new people, I tend to be awkwardly shy. I am extremely uncomfortable with the way I look and the way I carry myself. I don't know how to make myself seem, well, now I can't think of the word. I guess the only way I can explain this is; I don't know how to be the person who looks like she belongs. I don't know how to compose myself in a way that does not make me seem like some awkward girl. I'm scared to wear make up or 'put myself out there' because what if I try and I fail? What if I try to look 'pretty' but I just can't? In this case I think not trying at all is better than trying and not succeeding. So I keep myself inside, and I interact with the people who already know me. I entertain myself by watching other people live on TV because even if it's not reality, I'd much rather live a character's life than my own. On TV bad things always happen, but each person finds a way to handle problems, they always find people to surround themselves with, they're always comfortable with themselves, they always belong to somebody (even if it's not for long), and for the most part; they beat whatever life throws at them, and they learn. So yes, I am going to write about TV shows.
Idunnowhattocallmyself Idunnowhattocallmyself
18-21, F
Sep 23, 2012