Unresolved Anger

I am old enough to know better than to act on every impulsive idea that comes into my head but sometimes I may say something or do something that I wish I hadn't.

My husband and I were with another couple and had ordered some drinks. I had finished my second vodka gimlet when we sat down to eat. My husband and his friend were verbally going at it and I remember feeling extremely angry with my husband. It seemed like a great idea to me to pour my entire glass of ice water on his head because I was so angry with him. Immediately after I felt so stupid and remorseful and very drunk! Everyone was shocked at what I had done.

I remember feeling so mad. When we got home we went to bed and I was still feeling so angry at him. But here's the thing- I do not know why I felt so angry, only that  I felt that emotion. The next day he asked me why I was so angry and he did not accept my explanation. He contends that I have some built up anger and issues with him that I need to address. I didn't have a clue as to what was bugging me.

One day I was watching a program about an angry wife on Dr. Phil ( sometimes his shows make sense) and I heard him tell the woman that her anger wasn't about what the husband had done - it was about her unresolved anger from something that happened to her in the past. She had been raped and justice wasn't done. Her anger came from not being able to protect herself from harm and from being vulnerable. Her anger was putting up a wall so that no one could get close enough to her to hurt her again. She was pushing people away and she didn't why. She started to cry and so did I because I had just realized that I do the same thing. I had been molested as a 4 year old child. I never told my parents. It happened 54 years ago but I still have enough anger to be crying right now for my 4 year old self.

We lived in an apt. building in the Bronx. The super had a cat that had some kittens. I remember my mother sending me down to the basement to see them. I am kind of vague on the kittens but I remember him. Not his face, just his slightly brown penis. That is what I see and I know he fondled me. When I went  back upstairs to my apt. my next memory is my mother and older sister both washing my hands and face and telling me I must have been allergic to the kittens because I was so red.

Five years later, when I was 9 years old I discovered if I rubbed my bathrobe on my private parts the buttons on the robe tickled me. I hmust have had an ****** and out of that feeling I remembered being molested and I remembered something else. I heard a small girl's voice, my voice saying "do it again". And I remembered him telling me not to tell anyone and to come back again. How did he do that to a little girl? Why did I like it? What was wrong with me? I am bad. That is what I thought. I must be a bad person to have liked it. Now I am old enough to know better.

knownow knownow
56-60, F
Apr 10, 2009