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What Comes Next.

After the kids and I returned to Armidale after Glens funneral I tried to get us into some sort of routine, but no matter how hard I tried I could'nt get  any thing right. I could'nt even make a decision about what to give the girls for dinner, yet I was confronted with having to do the bills we had car payment moving costs electricity etc that all had to be changed in to my name, Glens bank account had been frozen the car finance company was threatening to take the car back because 2 payments had been regected when they tried to take payment from Glens account. I tried calling them to explain what had happened but every time I tried to say out loud that Glen had been killed I would break down and had to hang up. This happened every time I had to say those words outloud, so I decided to say nothing and tried to forget about it for a while.

But of course you can only hide for so long, They all started to get a bit impaitent with me so I got a friend to ring and explain about what had happened, most companys were great but all required proof, which ment I had to get death certificates that was also impossible none had been issued due to coroner having to investigate accident, so then I got a laywer and just handed it all over to him Glen and I had just brought our first home the only reason we could was because were both working and could afford the repayments it was his big dream to give us a home and he did it he just never got to spend a night there. Bit I went from having 2 incomes to welfare over night, it was embrassing we both had worked all our lives and had never had any handouts but even with this it would'nt cover the repayments was I going to loose the house that we had worked so hard for, were these hits gonna keep coming one after another and what had we done to deserve it, was'nt it enought that I had lost the love of my life and the father of my children who were then ages 2 & 4.

The hits just kept coming, I work up one morning and went out the back there was water every where the hot water system had **** it's self, to make matters worse it was a Sunday and a long weekend how do I get through 2 days with no hot water. I rang Glens boss Shane and broke down again why was'nt Glen here he could fix things he was a plumber as well as an electrician who do I call, how do I fix this and where do I get the money. Shane told me to calm down he would take care of it, an hour later there was a plumber at my door I took him out the back and showed him the system he said it was no good and I would need a new one and they cost about $1000 I sat on the step and cried he put his arm around me and told me not to worry that Glen was a mate of his and he would have it all fixed by the next day and I could pay when the insurence came through all I could do was sob and say thankyou he told me that all the tradies in town were there to help if I needed it cause Glen had know most of them and he was mates with them all. It made me realise what a special man he was.

The kids were also having problems Emily (4) was sleep walking, she would walk down the hall nearly every night callin daddy then she would stop in the dining room or lounge room and just wet herself I would lead her back to the bathroom clean her up and put her back to bed she would never remember anything the next day. Kelli (2) just went backwards, back into nappies, back to bottle, back to dummy and stopped trying to talk and if she could'nt see me or find me she would just scream. They were both very clingy and not eating very much, but how do I cope with all this when it was an effort for me just to get out of bed every day, to this day I don't know how I got through it I guess it was the love of my children and the support of some close friends, all I could do with the kids was tell them over and over that daddy loved them and was watching from heaven and that it was an awful accident, that he did'nt want to leave us and fought so hard to stay but his head was really really hurt and the doctors could'nt fix it. We started lighting a candle every night for him and when they blow out the candle daddys love was going through the house, it helped and we still light the candle today.

The journey to where we are today continues but thats enough for now. Thankyou so much everyone for allowing me to share our story with you. I think to write it all down is helping with my healing.

stillgrieving stillgrieving 41-45 Oct 15, 2009

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