Finding My New Path...(part 2)

So it is about time to update my original post that I made from South East Asia.

To cut a long story short I thought it would be best if I did a Thai Language Course in Thailand. It seemed to kill two birds with one stone - it would keep me occupied and prevent me from dwelling too much on my break up whilst the qualification I would attain from doing the course could well be my ticket into a better university and on a different degree programme later next year.

So 2 months later I had passed and was feeling pretty good about life again; I hadn't really thought much about my break up because I simply had no time with the work load; sometimes I would have 10 hours of studying a day. The only time I had free was at weekend where I swam in the ocean (I was studying on a rather beautiful island right next to the beach) and drank at bars at night with neighbours and fellow students. So I was always occupied.

But shortly after my course I started getting down again. I quickly realised that the course had only really served as a temporary distraction from what I was really feeling deep down. I had neglected my emotional needs for those past two months and it was beginning to surface - I had trouble sleeping again and started having bad dreams. So rather than deal with this I moved down the coast to a cheap resort and ended up bumping into a couple of guys I had met in Cambodia a couple of months before. We ended up drinking pretty much everyday and smoking a fair amount of marijuana inbetween and riding motorbikes around the island in the daytime. 
So again I found myself creating these distractions and bottling everything up.

Then one day I was swimming in the ocean and got stung by several jellyfish. This shouldn't have really been a problem as they were non-lethal and at the time just a little painful (not much worse than a wasp sting). But somehow a couple of the stings under my arms got infected and this became quite serious. I went to the hospital after 3 days of anti-biotics did not help at all. They said I needed an operation on one of the infected sites as a large lump had appeared and needed to be removed straight away. They did this operation on the spot. Now i've had some painful accidents (broken leg, nose, finger, appendicitus...some people have all the luck!) but this was agonising. I spent the next 2 weeks back and forth to hospital having my wound cleaned (agony) and on strong painkillers and antibiotics. So I was almost bed bound for 2 weeks.

Obviously this forced me to reflect on everything (no more running away from those bad feelings) and when my arms weren't hurting too much wrote everything I was feeling down, prayed to my little wooden Buddha (i'm not a Buddhist - actually I am a Panentheist - so it just gives me something to focus on. Don't read too much into it.)...I came to find that little Buddha is actually a pretty good counselour! 
When I was finally better I flew to Laos - a country I have grown to love over the years in South East Asia - and stayed at my usual guetshouse and decided that I would base myself in the same town for the next 6 weeks; partly because I just couldn't be bothered to travel anymore and wanted to just relax and recover from my operation, and partly because the World football Cup was starting in a day and would continue for the next month!       

But the next 6 weeks I found myself slipping back into old habits...

Sure - I had just about accepted that I had been betrayed by someone I loved with all my heart. But trying to fit that into a newly constructed world view - I was having problems with this. I say I am over it, but actually even now I am having problems coming to terms with this betrayal.
I had never been betrayed by someone I loved so much and trusted my life too. Betrayal and the web of emotions it has given rise too - hatred (not anger...hatred), shock, disbelief, hopelessless...These are just a few of them. And even now I am finding it very hard to trust people and - worst of all - finding it hard to show compassion for people.      
Aside from this there was the question  "where do I take it from here?" constantly looming over my head. I just could not give an answer to this. I was finding myself wondering if South East Asia was a place I wanted to live in after all as it was really starting to loose it's magic and it's appeal...So that meant that I had no idea what to do about university. Suddenly everything I had achieved with my Thai Language Course had seemed like a waste of time and money...And I had no Idea what I wanted anymore. I just couldn't see any future anymore and couldn't really work out why I had been betrayed and why any of this was happening to me...     

A large bottle of whisky per day was not at all unusual during this period...Add to this various narcotics and pharmecuticals (really not a good idea in South East Asia), diazepam, methamphetamine, marijuana and occasionally opium and heroin...The meth use was definitely becoming a problem in paticular. I found myself buying more and more and spending most of time either on it or trying to find dealers to find me some...Suddenly I woke up one day at about 3 in the afternoon and must have had a 'moment of clarity' or something. I decided it was time to get the hell out of Asia and back home as soon as possible. So I booked a flight and was on my way home three days later. It felt like the only thing to do in the circumstances...

So I got home just over 2 weeks ago...But honestly all that chaos feels like a lifetime ago. I am staying at my family's place and am now almost totally broke. I have had to pay debts back to the government or risk being taken to court (they overpaid me when I stoppe dmy studying and wanted the money back) - this was totally out of the blue because I hadn't realised they had overpaid me until a couple of weeks ago. At first this seemed like a big blow because I had plans to go and work and travel in Canada until next January when I go back to university after my 9 month hiatus (Now I can only afford a short stint in Canada at the end of the year for 8 weeks instead) but now I can see it is actually for the best because I am finding it hard to get motivated and finding it hard to even leave the house at the moment. I am slipping into depressed moods easily and am struggling to decide what to do with my future...So I doubt I would've been able to handle working in Canada when even here in my own country I cannot even get motivated (or cope with) to find  a job at the moment.   

All in all I am feeling very lost again. I am really not looking forward to going back to University next year. I have issues with my course, I did not click at all with anyone in my class (age difference is the main problem - I cannot relate to 18 year olds fresh out of school as much as I try it is hard for a guy in his late 20's) and cannot join any societies because my ex has joined all the ones I had any interest in. So it is going to be very lonely next year for me! The only solace I get from the situation is that it is only going to be 18 weeks (Jan-June) and then I never have to go back to the place ever again - I would have passed my first year and this gives me more options - taking more time out before transfering to a different university, transfering immediately etc. 
I am beginning to think is it even worth going back if I hate it so much? Is it really worth it if I am so unhappy and wasting so much money doing something I do not enjoy in a place I do not like? Do I really belong in academia? But then I look at alternatives - there are very few! And I feel inclined to finish my first year at least - it is only 18 weeks - as I put so much effort and work into it last year. And if I finish my first year at least i will be able to keep my grades upto 10 years and transfer at anytime in the next 10 years to another university. 

However, despite the difficulties I am experiencing both materially and psychologically I have learnt over the past year that sometimes you need to be lost to really find yourself (and your path) again. This probably explains my self-destructive behaviour to some degree. I am still trying to just ride with it , go with the flow and let the chips fall where they may. I try to see unwanted situations as all part of the path I am on. Usually when things appear to go wrong they go wrong for a very good reason - nothing just happens by coincidence - so it is just another door closing on the path. If you try running back and forcing the door open, kicking and screaming at it, dwelling on it, then you may not even see the open door infront of you that is leading to better things! You never know what is around the corner. Miracles do happen. 

Now if only I could really put this into practice!

Best wishes,

PeterThrace PeterThrace
26-30, M
Jul 29, 2010