It Must Be Felt...

How can so much pain sit right next to happiness? How can they live next to one another and still be whole. How do they mix so well that sometimes I don't know where one stops and the other begins? How is it that one moment I am so happy, filled with hope and love, and in the next breath fear and painful memories rush forward. I want to feel them separate...but they will always be together. I cannot have one without the other. To feel love I must feel the pain. To feel safe I must first feel the fear. To feel the happiness you give me...I must first feel the sadness that has filled me for so long. No matter how hard I try to keep it tucked away...the pain must be felt. It will find its way out. It will bring tears with my laughter and within the safety of your arms, I will still feel a flutter of fear. I can't hide from it....it will always be there, waiting to be felt, sitting right next to my happiness.
Wurkoutgurl Wurkoutgurl
36-40, F
8 Responses Dec 4, 2012

Trying to find your self is like trying to see your own eyes, or bite your own teeth. ;)

As time passes the fear subsides and I begin to see who i really am and why I'm here.

Although this was written quite some time ago, I can easily see how both would be coupled together for neither would exist on their own. To truly feel love, you must know hatred - otherwise they couldn't exist independently. Same goes for all emotions - pain, happiness, gratification, disappointment, etc etc etc. I think the trick is to be cognizant of those polar opposites :) Plus, you are always happy as a clam! :)

I am a happy girl. And I do appreciate all that I've been made to feel over my lifetime. For now I know how to love the right way because I've been loved the wrong way. I am determined to find the positive in everything. Being depressed and sad all the time is too damn depressing! lol

To be honest WOG, that is one of the initial attractions I had to you before we were even buddies. Try to channel that positive energy into distributing it through all facets of your life - not just for family, sex, work or whatever else brings you happiness. Serious question though - can you be depressed but not be sad? I thought they were coupled no?

It is totally possible to be depressed and not be sad...ALL the time. I'm living it. I've recently psychoanalyzed myself and realized I'm holding in **** from my past. Some pretty intense emotions. So I go thru periods where I am fine..I'm happy and life feels good. Then BAM...it hits me. And I go thru a few days where I'm pretty emotional and all that I've been holding in bubbles up and comes out. Those down days....I'm pretty sad and depressed. But I make a conscious effort to NOT dwell on those sad feelings. To make sure I do find the goodness every day...

With that mindset, it would appear you are on the right road to recovery. "Acknowledgement" is such a big thing in life - acknowledgement at work, acknowledgement in sobriety, acknowledgement of people. From there, you put a plan of action into place to get where you need to be. I'm dying to know though - what (or whom) is making you depressed and/or sad?

That...will have to be sent in a message.

That....I can understand :) At your discretion lovebug.

3 More Responses

Two healings that have worked wonders for me: (1) find what good came out of the pain and (2) practice forgiving yourself and others. The forgiving isn't for others, it's for you, so that you can move a little bit forward.

Jason, I have figured out number one. Number 2 is tougher. Much much tougher. But I am working on it. Thank you for that....it is much appreciated.

There are some great exercises on the internet about forgiveness. The best one for me was when I realized I was the one hurting myself by holding on to the hate. I might have been hurt by someone once (or for some time), but now it is me who is hurting me by remembering the pain over and over. The freedom and peace I get by letting myself forgive myself is something I wish I could give you by waving a magic wand. But it took me lots of work, commitment to do things that I KNEW wouldn't help me. I just remembered another shocker. I started the healing process when I THANKED the person who hurt me, because of all I learned as a result of the pain. You seem like someone who really wants to heal. I don't think you will get there without turning the hate into acceptance. (Sorry if this sounds too preachy. I'm not a psychologist or a psychiatrist, just somebody who found a way out of the bottomless pit.)

Just found the forgiveness site I liked best. Stanford professor who went to North Ireland to help heal the wounds of so many years of hate and suffering:
http://learningtoforgive.com/9-steps/

Wow! You totally get what I'm going thru. However, to thank this person.....I cringe at the thought. But I do know...to move on, move past and have complete healing I must forgive. I've struggled with this for so long. I feel I am stuck...I can't get past the anger of what happened...the hate for all the pain and lives that were hurt from it. I just don't know how to move past it. Thank you so very much for sharing that with me. I am going to go to that site...it's time to heal...*hugs* you don't know how much I needed to hear this right now....If I could I'd give you a real hug...

I hope it helps. Thanks for the hug. If I could, I'd play you a song on the guitar right now. "Some say love, it is a river..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oR6okRuOLc8

Love heals all wounds!

Gotta go! Until next time...

keep in touch...=)

4 More Responses

Yup, that's it. Thank you. You put your finger on what I was feeling, expressed it in a way that helped me become conscious of it..

Hope by recognizing it, it can help you heal. That's what I'm trying to do. =)

This healing thing... it is taking a lot longer than I thought. And, with all the progress I've made, one would think I'd be farther along.

Good luck to you, and thank you.

For myself, I'm beginning to realize healing may take a life time. What I went through just isn't something you 'get over'. It stays with you forever. The pain and fear may become less and less....but it will always be there. Once felt...you never ever forget the feeling.
Good luck to you also....=)

My view is you should continue to feel and feel free. best thing you can do is have some one like that willing to bear with your feelings and in your own thoughts remember That love for yourself as well. That soothing voice and unconditional love. You are deeply love by him and I'm so thankful of that!!!

Thank you....and me too. =)

B-)

pain and fear are the part of package we call life...:))
we really can't separate....just be optimistic even the things are worse.....best is yet to come....
night is darkest just before the Dawn...:))

=) Thanks...I appreciate that and the encouragement.

Pain is just part of the healing process. It's difficult to cope with at times; a great motivator other times.

Very true. It's been waiting for some time to come out. I think it was waiting until I was stronger and felt safer....and now it mingles with my happiness...

I want ALL of you hun :) Don't hide anything from me. I'm your man, and you can always count on me to be there for you. I will hold all of your feelings and emotions with great care and love. Your tears I will kiss, your laughter I will cherish :) LOVE YOU BABE!!!!

Thank you sweetheart. That is why I am able to feel it now...because you give me a safe place to go....your arms. Thank you....

Perfect response bro. Awesome awesome and very loving and super glad of that