I feel like I'm waking up. I feel an incredible joy inside of me. I can't feel it with my real feelings. I can just feel the pressure welling up inside of me. For years now. Its dates back so subtle. I feel peoples emotions. Sadness, fear, loneliness. I can't watch movies anymore. The emotions movies are meant to evoke bombard me. I feel really anxious for hours after wards. I have a few exceptions. bank robbing movies. Where the bank robbers win.
The world seems crazy. We live in these communities together. Struggle together struggle to find meaning in our lives. And yet we don't take care of one another. Why don't we take care of each others basic needs so we can live and experience this beautiful world. Why do we allow our neighbors to slave away the best 25 years of their life to pay for a place to live. Surely we can find a simpler local way to build small comfortable homes. Every culture on the planet has been able to. Don't even get me started about what our leaders are doing to other people on the other side of the plant, on our behalf. Why can't we just create a culture where we look out for one another.
So here I am in this crazy crazy world of drive, work, eat, sleep, pay, and yet the world seems like this incredible place. Staggering in complexity and wonderment. Planet earth. What an incredible holiday that could be. I can just see the bill board. "Planet Earth - more ecosystems than any other planet in the galaxy. Realism beyond your wildest dreams. So real you'll forget where you came from!"
And yet we destroy this world and ignore each others basic needs. And the more I wake up and feel the joy inside of me pushing to get out, the more I feel the pain of what we are doing to this world and each other.
I still function. Work, pay my bills etc., but I feel like a robot sometimes though. This is hard to describe. I see the wonderment of nature and people all around me, but I can't quite feel it, not like I should, not like the joy it should obviously bring me, and yet I ignore the sorrow I see all around me because it is too painful, and to an extent I feel powerless to assist. So often I think I feel nothing, except this light trying to push out from inside of me.