Lost In Thought.. Need It Out Of My Head.

I wanna start of by saying, I joined this just now because I'm tired of being in my head and have absolutley nobody to talk to nor who would understand even if they did. I waited on my husband for two years, who is in the military mind you but I could not live with him seeings how in high school I got pregnant with my first child and his father was in the picture so I could not leave my child nor take him away from his father. So I stayed behind.. during this time last year my husband was deployed. I feared everyday for his safe return and couldn't wait for him to be home. Even from so far away he understood me more then anyone that had ever been in my life. He made me feel so loved and so important even from half way around the world. About the time he was to return home I talked to my oldest's father and told him I wanted to go across the US to stay with my husband for a few months seeings how he only had a few months left in the military. My oldest was starting preschool and I didnt' want to pull him out so I had to leave him behind, which was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I had to do this for me this time. I needed my husband. So I flew out with my husband and I's child who is now 2 years old, got the apartment settled got us a rental for the time being and he was to fly home within the next day. I went to his coming home ceramony where after two years I was finally back in my husbands arms! I was the happiest women in the world, i thought things would be so much better from that point. The first two weeks were amazing, we talked, we laughed, wrestled and tickled, we were finally a family. I had dreamed of for so long!
Then we decided to have a few friends come over that coming weekend to have a few drinks, i thought this was gonna be so much fun. Until after he started drinking he started getting angry, then emotional and back to angry. I figured it was just that night it wouldn't happen again. Then every weekend all he wanted to do was have all these people over and drink and then he'd get angry every single time. Then he started hiding smoking pot behind my back and he'd lie straight to my face about doing it. After that the lies just kept getting worse. Eventually i got fed up, we got into a big argument and he told me to pack my bags he was sending me home. I stayed out there for a week with an army wife I had met and he would say he was gonna come talk things out after work and then he'd stand me up and i'd find out he was partying during the time he was supposed to come over. So I finally said screw it, I booked a flight home.
I got off the plane and had two voicemails from him that said he was sooo sorry and that his worst fear happened and now i'm gone and he missed me and again that he was sorry, mind you he was balling.
Then over the next few days he'd refuse to talk to me and then slowly started talking to me more but still not as much as I'd like.
I feel so unloved, I feel no intamacy and I just wish he'd love me the way that he used too and idk how to get it back. I don't think that he is "in love" with me anymore.. and honestly I'm getting to a point where I'm falling out of love with him. I don't want to give up, I want to find us again. But i'm so tired of waiting and trying. I don't know what to do anymore...
umbrellachimp38 umbrellachimp38
22-25, F
Nov 26, 2012