Demotivated Lazy Husband

We have been together for 12 years, not all of them bad, not all of them good? This is my 2nd marriage, I have 2 children from previous.

I lost my children in my first divorce and took me many years to come to terms with this, my 2nd husband has never had children of his own and never supported me with coming to terms with what happened. I was and am lucky enough to have kept at it and now have an amazing relationship with my kids. They were two and 6 months when we met, they are now nearly 14 & 13. Over the years he has not given them the time of day really, which I accept as they are mine. He only has to put up with them every other weekend and still kicks of like a two year old if he doesn't get enough attention.

Added to this, I have managed to claw myself up the career ladder, working extremely hard and very long hours in management roles. I have spent the last 4 years commuting to work as well, 60 mile round trip each day. I earn relatively good money and we are financially independent of each other. I pay for all of Xmas and birthdays, I pay for the kids to come on holiday and up until last year, I have paid for all of our holidays as I was earning more. I pay for the car, which he uses every day but won't contribute. I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, he will have something to eat and just leaves his plate wherever he was sat. He is the laziest person I know, never used to be like this..

A few years ago, I got into debt after losing a well paid job, it is now with a debt management plan company and he refuses to acknowledge this at all even after getting free holidays for years, a free car and I used to pay extra on the mortgage and do most of the shopping. Now the chips are down, he won't help. Over the last 5 years we have bought and sold houses, everytime we have moved he has helped himself to an enormous lump sum each time whilst I have not touched the profit. Now I would like to use some of this money, a big fat NO. I even paid for our wedding 5 years ago, at the same time I was unaware that he cashed in an endownment for £13,000 and still can't tell me what he did with the money...??

My reward for all of this... 3 years ago he decided to switch roles at his job where he has been for 20 years and go onto permanent nights, so I now sleep on my own all week, Friday is his change over to days (for the weekend, this leaves him soo tired on a Saturday he can't possibly do anything except sleep most of the day, only becoming remotely interested when football starts at 3pm, then Sunday is a total wipeout as he has to go to bed in the evening as he has to work all night.

Most days during the week, he gets up, has his dinner and goes back to bed from 7pm-10.15, then of to work. He is permanently tired, there is always something wrong with him, I have even had him go to the Dr's in case he has ME, that's how bad he is, he won't shower every day, sometimes not for 3 days and he stinks. i only ever see him in his pj's or thermals that he wears to work.

If I am lucky enough to have him start a job around the house, it's never finished, even the kids call him half job arry.

I have spoken to him on lots of occasions, really calmly saying I need more help around the house, his general attitude is, if your moaning , about it, dont do the housework, unlike him, I have some pride..

He says he loves bits and that I am the most important thing to him??? Am I being unreasonable, or does anyone agree with me that it is time to call it a day?

Please help!!!

help69 help69
41-45, F
3 Responses Apr 28, 2010

Bail, you have 3 kids. It's too much. You deserve a partner and a man

Well this article is over a year old so I hope you are still around. Either way here's my two cents:<br />
I normally am a huge advocate of working through marital problems and avoiding divorce at all costs, but in this case I strongly feel you should leave this man. In fact I think you should run for the hills.<br />
Any marriage that involves the spouses being financially independent from each other is doomed from the beginning. When you get married you are starting a life together as a one unit. You are partners, a team, two of a kind. You are both in it for the bad and good times, to support each other no matter what the other is going through. When one is hurting the other should be the rock of strength. All resources should be pooled together and used wisely - not squabbling over who pays the telephone bill.<br />
Regarding your children - being the child of a widower, I feel strongly that when someone wants to be with you, that includes your children and he should love them just as much as you. Your children are a part of you, no? Not treating them with love and respect just like you deserve is morally reprehensible and hurts not only them but you too.<br />
<br />
I am sad that none of your girlfriends told you to not marry this lout.<br />
I am also sad to tell you that you do not have a marriage here. What you have is a parasite who is only making you feel worse about yourself every day. From the sounds of it you are a lovely woman who has her life together and you definitely deserve better than this.<br />
<br />
Get a divorce. Take plenty of time to heal your wounds, then build up your self esteem to the point that you will never again allow yourself to get into a relationship like this again. Learn to love and respect yourself and expecting the same from others should come as second nature.

you r reasonable but can u handle another divorce? y not seperate for a while. it might help.