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Beyond Tired

I've been married for 39 years, and have been living with him for 40 this coming August.  We both worked, and shared in all the household chores until the second child was born.  When our second child was born we just couldn't find adequate child care, and therefor the decision was made for me to be a stay at home mother.  That was the end of the shared work.  When the third child was 3 years old we purchased a house.  That is when the real problem began.  My household chores grew to new heights.  I no longer just cooked, cleaned, did the chores, cared for the children, and did the groceries.  I ended up with even more duties: to the above was added, yard work, painting, and repairs all around indoors, and outdoors.  I installed toilets, removed & replaced ceilings, kitchen, 3 piece bathroom, windows, replaced flooring, etc......  You see my husband was always at work, but then as the years went by he worked less hours, and yet I still had the same work load at home.  I took great pride on what I was able to accomplish with the help of my God, and "Bob Villa".  But now after so many injuries, a bout with cancer, fybromyalgia, arthritis, I am totally exhausted.  He has now been retired for  the past 8 months, and I am still doing just about everything while he sits on the couch watching the TV, and reading.  We no longer have little ones to care for, but he insists on having a house with 2 decks, and a pool. and I am the one that has to power wash the decks, over 200' of fence, stain & paint, care for the front yard, while maintaining the house on the inside as well.  His response to my request for him to do more then just put out the garbage, cook, and wash "SOME" of the dishes is "I don't know how to do that!".  I've told him that is no excuse, I wasn't born knowing how to do what I do, I learned how to do what has to be done, and still I can't get him to do anything......  
If I don't do the things that have to be done they will just will not get done!  Believe me I've done the strike thing for a couple of months, and he did nothing...
No, we cannot afford to hire outside help to do what needs to be done.....

Thanks for allowing me to rant, for I know this is all I can do.  Divorce is out of the question as I have no means to support myself.  There is no "pension" for stay at home moms.
awibrandy awibrandy 56-60 3 Responses May 16, 2012

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Hey girl, I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm married 46 years this year. After marrying, I also was working - had a fed. gov't job making good $$$. After baby #1, went back to work. He never helped with baby, cooking, any housework, painting, work inside & outside. Doesn't pick anything up after himself, but complains about our daughter's house (she's a working single parent with 2 teens) when he comes from her home. He was also never home during all our married life & when questioned about it, said home is the last place you go when there's nowhere else to go. I quit work as he wasn't helping with anything at home. I did myself a disservice though as now I don't have the $$$ to do anything else. I get a small pension but now that he's retiring, I've got to be budgeting carefully; he's still planning on golfing all summer, he used to curl as well, and has gone on numerous trips with his buds. I've told him he can then make a list of what he wants to cook, make the lists, do the shopping (which he's not done either) and cook and prepare it when he brings it home. Can't imagine how I'll handle things when he's around fulltime.

Any suggestions from anyone?

You would get half and peace of mind. I think you go on a trial separation, tell him it's a vacation and see how you like . Better yet see what he learns with you not there.

You have been married a long time and suspect you would get half the assets and even maintence payments since you did so much allowing him ti work. Can't hurt to check with a lawyer.