I Can't Stand the Sight of My Husband

My husband and l have been together for seven years.l saw him in a bar in my hometown.The trouble is we partied every night and drank alot until l fell pregnant. In the cold light of day l took a good hard look at him and decided that l didn't much like him after all. We split up. He carried on drinking very heavily and was in the bar every day from 12 until 12.l decided to immigrate and when it didn't work out he followed me to help me with the children.l was vulnerable,lonely and really desperate so we decided to give it another go.

We have since had another beautiful boy who absolutely adores his father but the trouble is, l can't stand the sight of my husband anymore.We haven't had sex in months (he has put on weight and dosen't brush his teeth and comes to bed without bathing) l just cannot stand him touching me.

He lost his job and we are on Benefits thank god or we wouldn't be eating.We get help with the rent and he spends that too. The bailiffs have been several times.l recieve threatening letters everyday from creditors. He is really rude about my mom but seems quite happy to borrow from her. He gets job seekers allowance but spends it on himself. He says at 11.00am in the morning l  am just going to the post office or the bank and arrives back at six in the evening and had quite clearly been drinking.No apologies explanantions or even a phone call.The phone has been cut off so we wait here with no phone all day and he takes the car too.

l am nervous and tense all the time, l would have left him long ago but don't want to have to hand my children over to a drunk who also drinks and drives. l am so unhappy and very bitter its changing the way l look l can actually see it on my face.

We never argue because he can be really nasty nor do we ever discuss anything. If l dare approach him about any of my worries them he dismisses me like l am the village idiot or he says that l am being over dramatic as usual. l am desperately trying to keep it together for the boys sake as they adore their father, and l am also a product of a broken home and l am convinced it has scarred me for life. But l am really begining to wonder if it is all worth it

l want to either end it or sort but have absolutely no idea how to approach it.He left home when he was sixteen so has had little or no guidance from his mother on how to conduct an interpersonal relationship and worst of all l think he thinks everything is fine.He has no idea of bad it really is.

l am a practising Catholic and my vows and my God mean alot to me but some days l cannot believe that God would want me this unhappy.



Whenwe Whenwe
8 Responses Feb 18, 2009

You are not the only one who took vows before God. Your husband did too. The bible very explicitly lists a husbands responsibilities to his wife and he has not upheld his contract with you or with God. No one is perfect but if he is not even trying then he is not being your husband. There is no sin in leaving such a man. He left you a long time ago.

Now I'm not going to lie to you and say it will be easy. Because being a single mom is hard. But I will tell u this. It is not harder than what you are going through now. Pack up your kids now, they deserve better. Get on the bus. Go to your local community college. Get enrolled and tell them you want to max out your loans. They will have to be paid back when you graduate but as long as you are in school you do not have to make payments. Now go to your benefit place and tell them you need daycare while you are in school. Show them the enrollment papers. They; will pay 100 percent. This way you will not have to leave your kids with a drunk to go to school. Now comes the best part. After you have been enrolled in school for thirty days they will send you the balance of your school loans. It will be enough to walk right out the door to an apartment and pay six entire months of rent. You can alzo pay six months of electric and phone bill. DO NOT TELL BUM you will get this money. If he will stand in your way then gobto a shelter till u get your money.

This is not easy. But it is better. Because you are working towards a better future for you and your kids. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel. The hopelessness you feel will dissipate over time. And one day you will wake up and things will not be so hard. I know this from experience.

Wow. This makes me ashamed to be a man.
First and foremost, get ideas of suicide out of your head. Don't get me wrong, I am not against euthenasisa, but if you die the toerag has the kids to himself.
Second, self refer to social services. You may think they are going to take your kids but they're not. They will help you get away with your little'uns. Trust me, my daughters a social worker and they can't afford to take kids into care unless there is no choice.
Third, you are catholic because you were brought up that way for a guess. That doesn't mean you have to stay catholic till you die! I think enough kids have suffered because of that particular institution without your babies adding to the list.
Good luck to you. Get out!!!!!!!!
Ps....really? Smelly bastard!

You seem like a great person and you do not deserve that crap. If I were you I would do everything in my power to get my kids away from that situation. I wish you the best of luck.

You seem like a great person and you do not deserve that crap. If I were you I would do everything in my power to get my kids away from that situation. I wish you the best of luck.

I'm In the same boat basically my husband lost his license for not paying child support. My grandmother moved up to help us an now she's basically supporting us.:( paying rent food whatever needs to be paid. I feel horrible cuz she's 70 she should be enjoying her life but I no she loves me. I need help cuz I'm on the verge of leaving my family.

I know some of what your feeling, my husband and i were a party couple always out at gigs and drinking and taking drugs, when i fell pregnant it was like a lightbulb went on in my head. i have worked hard at staying clean and sober and ive been seeing a counsellor once a week and trying to sort out my past issues, so i keep off the substances and sort my head out for the baby coming. my husband complains that i have changed and that i used to be cool.. i cant stand him, in the cold light of day he is a lazy selfish man who cares more about himself than his daughter coming, he refuses to work because he is a musician and thinks he is too good to waste his life stacking shelves, he wont decorate the nursery because it might inflame his tendonitis-doesnt stop him playing metal gigs...i married him because i believed i loved him and i thought that deep down he would want to do his best by me, especially once kids were involved, but im tired of battling for everything i need and i dont have the strenth to keep refusing him when he gives me grief cos he wants to spend our benefit on weed. I also believed in the vows i took, but im starting to realise that he also took them and is not fulfilling them - one person cant make it work on their own, its martyrdom and resigning yourself to a needless life of misery if u stay for the sake of a promise only you can be bothered to keep. you deserve to be happy too.

You deserve so much better and so do your children. You don't have to live this way. If you are worried about the drinking and driving with your kids in the car, then definitely let your lawyer know this. He would be considered a danger to the children, and would only get supervised visitation. Please seek the support of your family. Good luck

Yes l was but felt that where possible a childs place is with his father.