Constant Fear Of My Loving Husband
I really don't know where to begin, there is sooo much love, hurt and CONFUSION. My husband and I have been together for 5yrs. We were never the social or dating type so when we found each other it was utterly god commanding and meant-to-be. Seriously magical and infallible. The first 3yrs of our relationship was full of all consuming love and TRUST. He cooks for me, attempt to clean(so cute), opens door's, etc. ....but not very good financially. We were and still are each others best friends and for the most part each others only friend. We spend every happy, boring day and night together. A true love and friendship, all into one. He said from the very beginning if you can't trust someone then there is no point in being in a relationship. That was basically his motto. That was something i really never thought about, (i guess because of cheating past relationships) and i quickly took it to heart and it's meant a lot to me ever since. I honestly can't put into word how wonderful he and our relationship was. I even quit my job at a medical laboratory, so i could go to school full time while he supported me(big mistake!). The past year and a half or 2, he has had sooooo much job/financial trouble. He's had 4 jobs screw him over, from not giving him his pay checks to laying him off or firing him through no fault of his own. (or so I'm told, my trust is seriously slipping away) I have supported him financially(had to get a crappy hotel job) and emotionally through these hard times. But now i think I'm being taken advantage of and being lied to. I called his work one day and i was told he doesn't work there. I questioned him about it and he said he had been suspended because he broke a picture of his bosses family to try and prove his point, that not getting his pay checks was hurt his family. He didn't want to tell me because i was already really stressed out. But then i went up to his job a month or 2 later and they said no one by that name has ever worked there!!!!! I practically lost it in front of the whole office and could barely find my way out through the tears. When i questioned him, he said it's because the office doesn't have much relationship with 3rd shift(his shift). I'm suppose to TRUST him, right? During this time we have had sooooo much financial hardship. I can't even count how many times our water and electric has been turned off. A couple times I had given him cash to pay rent, then the landlord says we never payed and my husband conveniently lost the rent receipt. Rent and a couple bills is my entire pay check! He's payed bills with my checks when he was suppose to use his money, then he doesn't write it in my check book, I guess he thinks i won't find out that way and my check book wont be off. That has cause sooooo many charges in returned checks and what not. He's made charges on MY credit card, not much, mostly food but i can't afford that, especially when electric is being shut off. And there has just been a lot of half truths. For example he might say he payed a bill but really he would just make an extension and later i would have to pay a huge bill that i wasn't expecting and can't afford. Stress, stress, stress. Ok, so here is the big one. So he has had trouble receiving his paychecks and we were ecstatic to finally receive one. Things were great for a couple of days, until I checked my bank account. Someone had stolen my bank card and took hundreds of dollars out of my account. I was devastated....again. After talking to the bank they were able to get a picture of the person who did it. I was thinking things were actually getting better, but no. The person in the picture was my only love, only friend, my existence, my husband. Taking the exact amount out that his paycheck was suppose to be for. He denied doing it and when he seen the picture seemed to be in shock and has no memory of this. He even went to the bank with me and to the police station. That either shows some man-grapes or innocents. Several times I set up a tape recorder before i went to work, i caught a brief convo. of our friend teasing him about maybe having split personalities, my husband didn't find if funny and I could hear sadness in his voice. Also I had an extremely draining episode of identity theft, which I thought was either his younger brother or his step dad (these people aren't in a good place)because of the handwriting being so close to my husbands. I know this probably sound very obvious as to what is going on but i just can believe it. Mostly because he is very good to me in lots of other ways. Any time I'm hungry, he is more than happy to make something for me (even though i bought the food), he (guy) cleans, empties the cat box, makes my lunch for work, starts my car when it's cold outside, insists on carrying everything when we go grocery shopping, will stop his video game; even during important parts; so i can play(if your a gamer you know how hard that is), he even tickles my back every night till i fall asleep and just 2 weeks ago he pawned his most important possession(and he doesn't have much) for me. That says a lot. Maybe this is too much info. but he's even taught me to make LOVE and not to just have sex. The point is he is sensitive a complete sweet heart, but I am so contused about all this financial stuff and him possible lying and stealing from me, well and having proof he stole from me, whether he did it on purpose or not. Sometimes i feel like i should sacrifice my ideals of being a wife and just be the husband and appreciate having someone that loves me and cares for me. But I can't have this stealing and lying crap. I know it's probably not healthy but I rationalize it all by thinking he's just really ashamed of his financial situation so he tries to make things better by lying or whatever. But I'd think he'd realize by now, i find out and it makes things much, much worse and each incident makes me lose more of my trust and love for him. I would rather have a husband that didn't make money than one that didn't make money and says he does and tries to cover it up and on and on and on. I love him so much I will help him with any problem no matter how dark. I don't know, sometimes I think he might have split personality(but I've only seen one) or a demon is possessing him to do these things. I know that's kinda crazy but at this point it would make things easier. I can't keep living like this, constantly fearing my husband's actions and my bank account. After five years i honestly still love him like we are new lovers, butterflies and everything, I can't live without him. But with all this happening I think about suicide a lot(we have even talked about doing it together), cut myself and even had a mental breakdown. Grrr, I'm even having a mild anxiety attack righting this. I can't emotionally take this anymore. I need some real help. If there is anyone reading this that is psychically talented, please help. Really, I could use anyone's in-site. Please prey for me. Love to all.