Between Raindrops

Imagine how it’s like if you can re-do some things in your life probably would be the greatest thing one could ever have. Think how you can re-live each great memory over and over again must be to some extent fulfilling and yet it isn’t. How about the ability to re-write multiple pages of your past on a fresh blank sheet of paper; it’s like giving a paint brush its first stroke? Many, I’m sure, hopes this is possible.

That’s where my life cursor point me yet again – a point of uncertainty! A point that quite often visits my mind these days. I feel that my entire life has become stagnant for some unidentified reasons; feeling constantly uneasy, discontented despite of what many believes to be great achievements in my career, my “social network”, etc. My mind tells me I should blame this rather slowing momentum to the many things happening in and out of my life that involves several factors — factors that I, for one, have no control over. For whatever reason, no matter what I do, I intersect with the overall question that haunts me every time: do I really have full control over my life??

I really wish my life isn’t happening in the way they are, but I get it…it’s not all about me, and if I had more control over my life, they would not be the way they are.

While I may appear stuck (if you haven’t already gotten that impression), my family, friends, and my faith to God are what keeps me trudging along fortunately. I wouldn’t ever thought not even for one second I could ask for a better and even more supportive family, an inspiring group of “real” friends, and the everlasting blessing of our Almighty God. I always try living each day of my life living up to their expectations in that I would do great in everything I do. I seriously don’t doubt their best wishes for me at all–but, quite honestly, it is like a full time job trying to be the “man” of my own life — imagine that! I do, however, appreciate them entirely because without them my life would be meaningless.

Despite of all of this, I often ask myself: Where am I going? Where do I want to be? Or worst yet – where am I at the moment?

Finding answers to these questions I thought would be easy but it turns out it is one of the most challenging things I have ever done in my life. Didn’t I prove myself wrong?! As I grow older, I see and value things differently, which seems to be the case as each year goes by. Aging is “quite” unstoppable, I know, but I wish there was a pause button so I can slow things down a bit and let me catch my breath; make myself some space and time to re-evaluate things I have done thus far and things I have yet to do.

I fully understand things happen for a reason and I also believe things don’t happen for a reason. There are things I’ve been wanting they become a reality–but the wait seems getting longer and more painful. A friend tells me during one of those “low” nights, they are what and how they are because that’s how you made them to be. I was totally agitated I would say how I felt that night — that’s not what I wanted to hear — but dumb me I later realized it is completely true. Maybe, if I wasn’t being too much an idealist, my disappointment wouldn’t be as bad, if I just simply accept the fact that being idealist isn’t necessarily being practical; being realist is. So now I see – being a perfectionist could have ripple effects in a bad way.

Gravitating to things easy to achieve seems to be my pattern these days. I highly-conscientiously aim for goals that are practically effortless — doesn’t that sound quick and easy? Doesn’t everybody wants that?

I don’t doubt that my life I feel has set its foundation on that idea — painless goals. I’m addicted to this concept but in hindsight I knew this concept would last short-term. Still on this path knowing it wouldn’t be as rewarding as oppose to something requiring more investment. For the most part I begin to realize this is what’s causing this feeling of “being still”. Over and over I try to decide which direction to take but I seem to fail every time. Clearly something isn’t “working” right.

Time is what I need. Time without pressure. I don’t want to feel like a pot of water on the stove waiting to boil. Not a happy feeling. Not at all.

There are few things I realized I need to deal with, and if you let me put it in one shell – my overall quality of life! I guarantee by the time I end writing this piece I still wouldn’t know when to take actions–but I do know what I need to do.

NOTE: Sorry, I’m just ranting. I dislike having to unload my feelings in narrative but it makes me feel lighter. Apologies if I went around and around; one thing I know though I need is not to lose sight of what’s important – my happiness and the people around me.
Sebastian420 Sebastian420
Dec 9, 2012