The Pursuit Of A New HomeThe biggest stressor in my life right now is dealing (and often times deny) with the fact that, still at this point, I’m still mentally, emotionally, and financially incapable to relocate to either California or Florida. I keep wondering when I’m able to pay off all my bills; wondering how I can do it all quick and easy (prognosis: not very likely); wondering how am I to deal with being away from my family and friends; wondering what either of these places has in line to offer me.
I have to be honest — I’m a little impatient and anxious. I keep oscillating the idea of moving either now or after achieving my CAE designation in two years. At the moment, my mind tells me wait until I get that three-letter designation after my name, find a job in the west coast, then move. But, even then, I’m still not sure how things would turn out. Will it be how I imagined it? Or will it be beyond what I would have expected, in a good way? Or not.
Everyday I ask those questions, and you know what keeps me trudging along is the fact that I have the undying love from my family and the incredible support from my friends and, of course, the desire that someday I’ll intersect with what they call ‘special someone’. For whatever reason, I feel that someone out there in California is holding his breath until I “touch down”. And, because my experience here in Washington, DC to find someone worth dating have failed almost every attempt and that if I don’t do anything and everything in my power to relocate, I would be passing a great opportunity to finally meet that mysterious soul-mate. Odd I would say but it certainly feels unimaginably real. It feels like a dream you would never, not for one second, want to wake up from. So real that it’s hard to let go.
Then, I realized, however, that this isn’t just about me. Could it be something else, other than what I wish in life? I’m hyper-aware of everything that would take to make this a reality, the unanticipated consequences that comes with it, the sacrifices and hard work of it all, and the heartache of being away from love ones, and most especially, surviving it all independently. And, all in the name of independence. All in the name of my interest in pursuing a new home, a new life, a new beginning. Despite of all this raging desires and ambitions, reflections brings an important question — are you really up for it? Do I have what it takes? Is this what you really want? The what seems endless “what if’s” scenarios keep flashing back in front of me, continually posing these questions — and finding answers to them is slowly becoming a real challenge.
I wish it is not happening in the way things are going, but I get it… If I had more control over things, they would not be the way they are.
I wish that I can get up one morning and decide to move to wherever I want. California just happened to be where most of my family friends and relatives live. Though I have cousins in New York, I am reluctant with the idea of living in New York. I’m sure New York is as enjoyable as San Francisco – but I’d rather be cruising out in the west coast, where some of us — gay people — would feel ‘at home’, if you know what I mean. It is a place, certainly more lenient with any type of lifestyle you wish to live and not feel judged. As much as that sounded unrealistic (judgments happens everywhere), you can call this place Home. A place where you’d feel the world isn’t on you for a change.
I’ve got it bad, really bad…but there’s nothing bad about this. All I want to do is find myself some place new, able to spark endless possibilities, create a new direction for my career and essentially build my family–and again all in the name of being me. Also to prove myself I can do this on my own outside my family supporting me and that I can make my achievements and get through struggles preferably with no one’s help, but mine. I just hope that I don’t lose the burning interest in me and that I move forward with achieving my goals no matter what it takes. If time is what’s at stake, I will spare it. If money is what it needs, I will afford it. If leaving my family would involve it, I will have to compromise my longing. All of that I will need to consider when that time comes. In order to get where I want to be, I’ll have to close my eyes and bite the bullet. I hope my support system will continue pushing me forward.
I’m usually determined to get what I want – but, at this point in time, I will have to slow down my engine and take one thing at a time. I’m sure I’ll get to where I want to be in no time. With a little patience and remaining focused, I’m sure I’ll find myself waking up to a beautiful sunny Cali. The road to success is there; all it takes is a ride and go over bumps along the way. Keep telling myself “hard work will make reward sound sweet at the end”.
Sorry this whole entry was slightly mushy and perhaps annoying – but the numbness of my robotic heart finally start to wear off and now longing for what it needs.
EDIT: I know I blogged about this before and probably getting old now – but I just wanted to sparks those firey moments as volcanoes does with their hell-heated lavas from time to time. Entries like this may be the theme for a little while until when I have rather significant milestone to talk about. This entry is indicative of my rather impatience and self-centric ego to live in California! If me moving to San Francisco doesn’t turn very well, at least I have a home I can always come back to. But, at least I gotta try it. That’s the only way. Wish me luck. I need it!