Who Am I?

i guess its best to start at the beginning,i have been struggling with depression for 2 years now but only realised this in the past 6 months and in they 6 months my life has changed totally. it seems my depresion is due to losing my identity and by this i mean for the last 15 years i have been the sort of guy that done anything for a quiet life and became selfless in the fact that as long as my family were happy i was good, even when this meant doing things i didnt want to and this sort of escalated over the years as my wife climbed the career ladder (with my full backing) i also progressed at work but due to my shifts and having 3 kids and both working full time it was really tough to find a balance, so it became the norm for me to work my 72 hour week and spend my week off shift at home with my 3 kids cooking/cleaning and generally being a househusband which i did enjoy but it felt like everyone was begining to take advantage of me, my wife worked,went out never had to lift a finger at home and generally had everything done for her which caused arguments as she always felt that she pulled her weight at home and with the kids but what she didnt realise was i was slowly losing myself and slipping further into depression. I dont want to sound like i am having a rant about my wife as she is a good mother and a great person but she was so wrapped up in herself i drifted away and she didnt notice and i think it was after i had the snip that i lost myself completely i felt like the last piece of my manhood had been ******** away, so i threw myself into work which brought its own problems as i was working crazy hours and she was working all the time it just felt like we were living our own lifes but i was holding the fort at home and enabling her to do whatever she wanted were as if i went out she needed all the details and although she supported me to go out with my friends it was always on her terms and if it wasnt there would be hell to pay with bad moods when i got home.I cant deny i thought this was just what life was like and everyone was stuck on the wheel trying to make a better life for themselves but it was sucking the life out of me. then it happened, i met a girl whos life was completely the same as mine her husband worked and like my wife thought money would solve any problem and to make things more complicated we worked together she was one of my bosses. It all started at the xmas night out were we kissed for the first time and it was electric but all we did was talk for the next 6 weeks which was great as i had known her for 20 years but never really knew her ! we had so much in common and we both had the same values and the chemistry was amazing i lived for her messages and texts , i really belive that i had met my soulmate . we then decided to have a full blown affair which made me feel the most alive i had in years and although i didnt want to hurt my wife or kids i felt that i deserved some happiness for a change and boy was i happy i fell totally in love with my girl and would spend any minute we could together she felt the same as me and things were great for 4 months then i got sloppy i left a hotel reciept in my bag and my wife found it !!!! subconscienly did i want to be caught ???? all hell broke loose which is understandable but i had to quit my job of 12 years delete my facebook and change my phone number if i wanted to try again which when seeing my wifes reaction to it all destroyed me i didnt want to hurt her i did love her but the magic had long gone from our relationship and i didnt want to lose my kids as they mean the world to me so we tried again and it has been really tough. i have had very little contact with my girl, her husband has threatened me which i guess i deserve and if i contact her my wife will leave, which at the end of the day has put me right back into the position i was in before my affair came to light, i have no privacy,no free time alone and a list of things i am not allowed to do. my wife has been great and supported me through my depression but i dont know who i am anymore do i carry on like before being the good husband,good father and good son/brother ??? i think i am wining my battle with depression and generally things are good with me and my wife but there is no spark anymore but we are trying so hard for the kids the problem is i constantly think about my girl, i am still in love with her. so i guess what i need to know is do i break 1 heart or 4 ? will this feeling pass ? will me and my wife make it ? do i want to make it ? i just dont know if its better to leave my wife as i cant love her the way she deserves now or is it better to leave and let her find someone who can love her the way she deserves to be loved ? will i forget my girl in time ? any advice or genuine opinions would be great i just feel i dont know what to do for the best for everyone involved , sorry if my story jumped allover the place i just had to get it out.
aldo36 aldo36
36-40, M
1 Response Sep 9, 2012

DID U EVER HEAR ABOUT 20/80 RULE? IF NOT READ ABOUT IT... I KNOW U HAVE MUCH MORE EXPERIENCE IN LIFE.. BUT THE BEST THING FOR U IS TO GO ON A VACATION WITH U ND UR WIFE.... THE SPARK MIGHT COME BACK AFTER SOME VACATION SEX THN WHILE HAVING SEX TRY DOING SOMETHING NEW WHICH WILL KEEP U MORE INTERESTED... MY ADVICE NEVER LEAVE UR FAMILY FOR SOME B*TCH WHO U THINK U HAVING FEELINGS FOR .. UR WIFE WAS THERE FOR U.. Y CANT U B THERE FOR HER... WITH U BEING DEPRESSED I KNOW ITS NOT EASY IVE BEEN DEPRESSED FOR MANY YEARS AS WELL.. TRY TO CUT DOWN UR HOURS AT WORK AND SPEND MORE TIME WITH UR FAMILY THAT WAY U FEEL LIKE U ACTUALLY HAVE A FAMILY THAT LOVES AND CARES ABOUT U.. DONT MESS UP UR LIFE FOR SOME LADY WHOM U THINK UR IN LOVE WITH.... WOULD U RATHER LOSE THE 80% U HAVE OR 20% ....