My Life In A Nutshell

My life is, in a word, boring, always has been. I have a major character flaw and it is a decided lack of ambition.  I fail to act when I know I should.  I recognize the situation, I analyze it, I lay out the possible avenues of actions and then nine times out of ten, I do nothing.  Safe and secure in my current existence.  This has led to frustration, depression, remorse and a general feeling of malaise.  How and why can so many other ordinary people enjoy so much and I’m stuck in this self-imposed rut. My father asked me why I was never one of the young guns who ended up starting a company and making millions if not billions of dollars.  Lack of ambition is my only response.  I’ve based my decisions on what was best for my marriage, my family, failing to take risks that might have propelled me and us to the upper thresholds of business.  Oh well……..  So why am I here?

My wife is, in a word, boring.  How boring you cannot imagine and I will get into it little by little.  I have this discussion in my head about all the things she doesn’t like, doesn’t do, won’t do, etc.  An example of this.  I travel a lot for my job.  I spent five weeks away one year at a customer site.  In the middle of the third week there was nothing else I could do because I was waiting on someone else’s actions and he was on vacation until the following week.  I changed my flight and headed home Wednesday morning.  Upon arriving at home I quietly climbed the stairs to the kitchen where the kids were having lunch.  They were little and upon seeing me they both started to smile.  As I got to the top of the stairs my wife looked at me, put on an annoyed expressions and said, “What the Hell are YOU doing here?!”  I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say.  She said she didn’t mean anything by it, that she didn’t think about what she was saying, but that’s the whole point.  She rarely thinks about what she says.  Never thinks about how what she says impacts me or implies what she’s feeling, or not feeling toward me.  So why am I here?

Complete and total lack of affection.  The level to which she detests any type of physical contact is almost comical.  We sleep with a body pillow between us.  The spousal barrier we call it.  It’s there to ensure that during the night I do not come into contact with her.  No inadvertent rolling over, no spooning, no hugging and definitely no sex.  I am not allowed to initiate.  Our three times a year are her prerogative.  The moon, the sun and the stars must all be lined up, the kids at least two states away and Grey’s Anatomy cannot be on TV.  When we do have sex it is, as everything else, as boring and mundane as you can imagine.  The most exciting or daring thing we’ve ever done is lay with our heads to the footboard of the bed. As Dave Barry used to say, “I am not making this up!” Once and done, as little kissing and foreplay as required to make everything functional, no tongue please, then the pajamas come one and it’s over for another four to five months.  People say couples don’t talk about their lack of sex.  Believe that’s not our problem.  That seems to be all we ever do.  We’ve talked ourselves in circles.  “It’s not you, it’s me.” “I’m too tired.” “I don’t like doing that.” “I don’t feel good about myself.” etc., etc., etc.  The advice columnists will all chime in now, “Do more around the house.” Men don’t do enough chores yada yada yada.  Let me tell you a little about myself.  With the exception of wall to wall scouring, I perform every chore I can when I’m home.  (I travel about 50% of the time.) When I’m home I do all the cooking, get the kids ready for school, help them with their homework, shop for groceries, take the kids to their activities.  The only thing I don’t regularly do is the laundry and that’s because the machines are upstairs next to the bedrooms and that’s where she is when I’m home downstairs.  When she works on the weekends, I do the laundry too.  She’s depressed and is susceptible to migraines, which I can only imagine.  The medicine makes her dizzy and many a Saturday are spent in bed sleeping them off.  She’s tired of them, and I understand that.  I help in any way I can, bring her Ginger Ale when she’s nauseous, take the kids out of the house to keep the noise down.  Make sure things get done.  And this gets to the crux of my problem. After doing all that I can, you’d think she might appreciate me a little.  I tell her I love her every day, multiple times a day.  She never says anything except in response.  When I hug her, she has her arms to her side and eventually pushes me away, (see above description of undesirable physical contact) and, of course, the lack of sex.  I’m sorry if this is selfish, but marriage is supposed to be something more than tag teaming the kids and paying bills.  And don’t get me started on people who say, “you can’t expect to be as passionate about each other as you were when you were dating.” To this I say BS! I don’t normally swear, but that attitude infuriates me.  Why the Hell not!  I know many people, usually men, are in similar situations.  We talk about it with each other, a lot.  Ad museum.  There are a few women in similar situations with men who want nothing to do with them.  What rationale man says no when his wife wants sex?  But they’re out there.  And there are the lucky few who are both active, healthy and passionate about one another throughout their lives.  That’s why I am here!

This is what I want!  I want someone who is happy and excited when I walk into a room, knowing that I’m feeling the same way.  I want someone who appreciates that every decision I make throughout the day takes into account what she wants and how she’s going to react.  I want someone to enjoy being with me and is willing to do things with me that might not be her first choice, but knows I’ll return the favor with interest when she wants to do something.  I want someone who will do things that make me happy and takes pleasure in the fact that I am happy she is the one who did so.  Right now I have a roommate with whom I am raising kids.  Someone who has her own, very limited, interests, and has little desire to interact or participate in anything I or the kids do.  is this all life has to offer?  I want more.
WantingMore777 WantingMore777
51-55, M
1 Response Jan 10, 2013

I realize that quite a bit of time has passed since you wrote this...some of which I can very closely relate to, but have things changed? Have you infused your life with some new, exciting thing? I'm curious if you found a new passion....?

It has and it's been a constant journey since I wrote this. I had some serious ups and downs and am now in a very big up. Things at home didn't change at all. My wife is completely asexual and aphysical (i.e., no touching). I found one person on line and we had some very brief moments of passion, infrequently over two years. We met again after months of her not contacting me and it looked like she was ready to make a real effort to be with me, then she shut me down. One line email. Don't contact me ever again.

As I was still in shock from this blow I received a message from someone who's profile I saw, but thought she'd think the following of me: a) too far away b) too old c) too heavy. She didn't think any of those things and now we are having a frequent and very passionate affair.