I haven't been on here for a while. I was starting to write my stories...my life stories for the past two years. I came on here now and then to read other peoples stories, mostly of being in a sexless marriage. So unbelievable, so much I related too. I finally started to write, and started to heal. But then I stopped...because someone was watching me. So I had to stop. I felt so violated. I just couldn't write anymore. It was so upsetting. Finally I was healing and everything was tumbling out of me. I had a place to put all that was going on within me the last several years. A safe place, or so I thought. So here I am again with a new name...and so relevant to how I feel. I have been through so much the last few years of my life. After over 20 years of marriage I finally decided to leave.. My life has been up and down...divorce, and everything that goes along with that. Then two relationships that were not right for me. The last one I thought maybe, but then found out he created his own profile here to watch me, my activity. This was the one thing for me, a sanctuary of sorts. Where I could say it all, relive it all and see it all for all it was. Maybe strange how violated I felt....? I found out he was watching much of what I was doing, and for nothing. I had given my heart and soul, once again, to someone. There was nothing for him to fear. I hope to someday start writing again. I felt so happy to be among people who knew what it felt like to be in a sexless marriage. People who also loved their spouses, but felt ultimately empty. An emptiness hard to describe unless you are one of those. I was one of those who had so much...a good family, security, normal family togetherness that I miss sooo much. But I was sad deep inside. I fought it all the time as many of you do. I found hobbies, books, projects, work, therapy, grateful journals, exercise...on and on and on. Tried to convince myself it was selfish to want this, to need this. I should be happy...what a brat. I have been on my own for over a year now and I have learned a lot. I still have sad days and sit here now and cry a bit. I wonder if I will ever truly be happy. Sometimes I think harder for me as I loved my husband, he just never loved me THAT way. Not sure if I ever loved him THAT way...that passionate, can't take my hands off of you kind of love that grows into something deeper. But I did want him, I did try. He denied me so much that eventually I think I had some deep resentment built up that I didn't really know was there. It lead to the inevitable. So I have someone new in my life once again. I am happy at the end of the day to have my lovers arms around me, to fall asleep wrapped up in each other. It is just who I am and could never be happy without it. Could never be happy without giving someone my affections, my sensuality, my love. It is just who I am. To love and be loved...............it is what I wish for all of you out there.....
SeaOfHope SeaOfHope
41-45, F
Dec 6, 2012