Moving On From This ToxicūüíĒrelationship

Posted by Ccruns
on May 30th, 2012 at 8:26 PM

I met a guy when I was first separated from my spouse ( of 18 yrs). The guy I met was polar opposite: exciting, rough around the edges, abit of a partygoer, BUT FUN. My Marriage was not emotionally fulfilling anymore and this new guy was a GREAT distraction. For two yrs we " dated". I say dated like that as we never actually went anywhere special. Local places to eat, low budget activities. I helped pay my share a lot.  We hung out a lot drinking and I begain to notice his work was suffering..... Nothing on his schedule, no jobs lined up. Very low motivation , telling me he does not need to advertise because he's that good.  Now, I teach and am busy from dawn till late in the nite grading and prepping. Money burned a hole in his pocket, But never for stuff for me. I felt like i begged for flowers, or birthday gifts. Everything was about him. He was 38 when we met.. Never married, no kids, living in a rented house with a roomie splitting the bills. He worked as a builder and work was on and off... So funds were always LOW.  I figured i wasnt his mom and besides he knew what he needed to do at age 38. He never had that "Buckel down and get cracking" attitude. He also was financially irresponsible. There were times when He would pay his landlord late or the electricity would be shut off. He'd get money and buy rims for his car, more beer then get the rent paid. It seemed to work for him. Of course i had reservations as i loved the guy and was thinking he was going to be in my life. I broached the subject of living together one time after a year but it fell flat.  
He drank a lot ... Wednesday nights shots w/ friends, Thursday nites at home, Friday at the bar, Saturday at a " party"....Sunday with TV,  Monday, Tuesday beers after work. I was invited at first , but he began to get jealous when he drank and accusations of me flirting then precluded me from attending his outings with friends. We would make tentative plans... Then he would blow me off after drinking at the golf course, a friends house, etc. I broke up too many times to count. I felt disrespected and manipulated... He would say he didn't want me there because I turn his friends against him, or I get him into fights.  I accepted that I was now PLAN B GIRL.
My ex was still in my life due to kids and their activities and my boyfriend would get pissed and make me do stuff that I wasn't comfortable with( like demanding my ex  not come to the house to pick up kids without prior approval when I was ok with it). He was Very jealous of my ex and my ex's connections with the Navy Seals. My boyfriend would tell me my ex was part of the NEW WORLD ORDER and  did evil things demanded by our govt. My ex was in the World Trade Center on 911 and suffered injuries and my boyfriend would repeatedly tell  me the US government was behind the bombing. ( true or not his views were hurtful and he never appreciated where I was coming from).
I felt I had to extend invitations to him to all my social events - while he would tell me which ones he wanted to attend but not be my date to others. He put my friends down. He would not invite me places not even saying, "Come over to hang out." He used the excuse of staying that  my social life was so crazy that I needed to tell him when I was free or when I was prepared to hang out. This was getting so old and demoralising.  Of course this would only work if he didn't already have drinking plans.
He's in trouble with the IRS and says he is trying to save money by staying in - but I asked him to go to a festival recently and ¬†he purchased cheesy artwork and some collectible coin. ($130). He bought me a beer - he then answered his phone and told a friend on the phone he was hanging with an ex girlfriend who he still hangs with. Can you say HURTFULūüĎŅ. Im a 43 year old woman for Christ sake. My self esteem plummeted to depths I can't explain.
In the past during a brief break up   He slept with a girl ( who he stated had a drinking problem)... So I became his number one again. ( I look back at that with despair). No wonder I am a shadow of myself.
He would say after every break up that we just couldn't be together because we fought and bought out the worst in each other. I walked on egg shells NOT to fight. He stated i was too  happy- id be more melancholy. If I was "too demanding" I'd attempt to be more easy going.  I was loosing myself.
Mind you... I have a masters degree in education. I run marathons, have friends, a wonderful family. He dropped out of high school and never got his GED( no need he says).he gets in fights with his family regularly.. Yet calls me a sheep for not believing in conspiracy therories).   I have a medical plan, dental plan, etc.  He has No insurance policies and lives "under the radar" believing Uncle Sam has a plan to round citizens up and control the United States. I know it sounds strange but he speaks with such conviction its like he is preaching and trying to save everyone. He has small jobs ( one at a time)building staircases. I lived this man so much despite the alcohol, the missed dates, the fights, etc.
I guess it all came to a head today. He called after work... Just to chat( just like yesterday). He never makes plans but waits to see if I ask to hang out. Hang out means his house, on the couch watching a movie. I told him I don't want that roll anymore. He told me we are not dating that we are just friends.  I reminded him we still sleep together so we are more then friends, but that being said....I do not want to date a man that alcohol is a priority in his life. I didnt ask that he stop, but mentioned I was worried about him recently missing appointments, etc.
Even as friends... Friends still both take responsibility in meeting up or planning stuff and I feel that we should no longer sleep together and if he wants to hang out.... He can ask. Also I told him I can not take a back seat to alcohol and I don't want to be his PLAN B GIRL any longer. For my own self preservation I have to do this. I am disappearing and he is letting me!
By the end of the call he was hardly listening but I was glad I said it all. I have a good life, kids, job, friends, etc. if he should ever REALIZE what he lost .... Perhaps he will call in the distant future with plans to do something more then sit at his house and drink beer watching a DVD of some old movie.   I doubt it! Now he is 42..... Things do not change much! God give my strength!
Ccruns Ccruns
41-45, F
May 30, 2012