Doing My Best To Stay On The Right Path -- Yet Another Post About My Feelings For Her

It's come to my own attention lately that I'm not as much of a saint as I consider myself to be.  Actually, that's not true.  The area where I think I've fallen is in pursuing my own needs, that guilt-ridden path so often described as being selfish. 

Well, there's nothing wrong with being selfish, really.  If everyone was selfless all the time we'd all be relying on everyone else to get our own needs met, which would be totally ridiculous.  Everyone needs to pursue their own dreams without feeling ashamed to do so, even if it's sometimes at the expense of others.

In my case, it's about pursuing a woman I really like.  My regular readers will already know who I'm talking about, what's been happening, and how I've felt.  In fact, I imagine them reading this now, drumming their fingers, incredulous that I'm going over this again.  Like, give it a rest, already!

Anyway, as much as I really like this woman, she isn't into me the same way.  We're good friends, and part of each other's support network, but she's only willing to go so far.  That's fair.  I mean, she has her own needs, too.  It really might not be the right time for her, or she really may not be into me in a romantic sense.  Even though I'm a nice guy, friendly, helpful, responsible, respectful, honest, caring, sensitive, and am there for my friends (this is where I'm overall a good person), I end up tripping over some remnant of amorous feelings for her.  Damn, this treacherous road! 

My friend, of course, is fully aware of this.  We do our utmost to steer clear of this issue.  I do not want to **** her off or cause her to lose patience with me.  I like her too much, just as a person, for that.  And she has been very patient with me, and allowed me to get closer than a lot of women would feel comfortable with.  It shows a lot of trust on her part, and I will not betray that trust.

Here's where I think I start to falter in the "good person" department, though.  I (and my good EP friends) keep telling myself to let go of all this mumbo-jumbo.  It ain't gonna happen with her, so why keep picking at it?  I'm only going to end up making myself sick or something.  Why I don't probably has to do with my not having been in an intimate relationship for so long.  If I really 'love' this woman, though, I know I can be patient and to just let things happen as they're supposed to, one day at a time. 

I'm the kind of person who can work himself into an absolute tizzy over things I have no control over.  I have no control over this woman's decisions.  I guess I don't have control over my own feelings, either -- they just happen, even though I've been reining this one in for a while now.  It's what I do as a result of my feelings that I can control.  I can sit and stew and feel helpless, or I can get up and go for a walk, IM a friend, do some housework, listen to music, etc., etc.  Again, my regular friends already know about my feelings around this and have given me plenty of counsel, but I feel it's important to "out myself" (yet again), to help keep my head on straight and so that I don't start getting dissilusioned.

Anyway, to wrap it all up with a bow, I know that I am a good person.  I have lots of supportive people reminding me of that, and I'm so thankful for them.  But sometimes I get ridiculous, and want to do what isn't in my own or someone else's best interest.  All I can do is surrender -- another touchy word with negative connotations attached -- and carry on, like the good guy I continuously aspire to be.
UnderEli UnderEli
46-50, M
2 Responses Aug 8, 2010

Thanks, WiB. Meeting and becoming friends with Jade has opened up a lot of things that have remained shut for quite some time, not just in terms of love and romance, but of friendship and trust as well. It all gets a little mixed up. I get a bit sad thinking that she won't take a chance with me, but it is her choice, after all, not mine. I know that sooner or later (well, it's already later) I will meet the right someone for me. Sometimes I wonder why the journey is taking so long.

ah UE ... the fact that you're such a kind and good natured person just shines through in your writing. You're one of my oldest friends here on EP and I've always observed your eloquent and witty stories and opinions, thinking that you so deserve some lovely woman to share your life with. It will happen ... the right lady will be there for you ... maybe it's this one anyhow but she just doesn't realise it yet! lol I wish you well on your journey my friend. Hugs to you.