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The Fat Is Killing Me

I remember as a little girl, we were a poor family. I'm the youngest of 8 kids so obviously we would each vie for attention and fight over food. As our cabinets were always meager and the portions at the table were the same, I recall not having much to eat so we would sneak food, whatever we could get. I watched friends at school have snacks and was able to purchase milk why I sat with none. I remember not having enough money for lunch so I would do without. As I got older, middle school and beyond, I didn't mind so much but as a small child, it was hard to do without and more difficult to watch my friends give me food. The lunch lady would feel sorry for me and slip me something to eat. I don't think my parents realized that this would be the beginning cause for my reason of abusing food. I didn't even know that was a reason till now, at 45 years old and 270 pounds later. My father worked very hard and was a proud man. It was hard for him to accept that we needed assistance so instead of getting it, we just did without. So that's the beginning of a lifetime of overeating. I've struggled as long as I can remember with my weight. I've never had "skinny" days but have had "smaller" days. My awareness became an obsession when I was diagnosed in 2008 with Myasthenia Gravis, a rare autoimmune disease from the muscular distrophy family. I also have osteoarthritis and malacia, reflux, ibs, interstitial cystitis of the bladder, glaucoma, fibromyalgia, anemia, hypothyroid, diabetes, depression, anxiety and probably a few more. I'm on a large amount of medication and not too long ago was having to take controlled steroids. I weighed about 220 and this added another 50 pounds. I am disabled now and fighting this fight everyday. I'm miserable and unhappy but still I get up and keep eating. I'm in therapy and just now beginning to find out why I overeat. I'm unable to excercise, diabetes and other conditions make it almost impossible for me to get the weight off so my doctors are recommending lapband. I'm sad that it has come to this but I'm hoping it will be the beginning of my road to recovery. I'll end my story with one piece of advice to the young. Love yourself instead of food.
peacequeen peacequeen 41-45, F Feb 24, 2011

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