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A Merky Blue Abyss

Out to the Universe:  For all who seek hope and peace of mind.

My name is Lori.  I am 49 and live in Charlotte, NC.  I am writing a story to share with all who feel alone and lonely.  You are not alone....I'm hoping I am not either!

I watch the rain cascade down my window pane as I hear background noise from the TV.  Alas, I am reminded of a better place, a happier time......my life flashes before me.  Oh how I miss my mother.  I lost her in a car accident in 1998, how she is missed!  I long for her conversation, where she always knows what to say and say just what I need to hear when I feel lost.  It was just yesterday it seems, I shared everything with her.  Here comes my 19 year old daughter, she's so beautiful!  I thank God daily for the company of my 2 kids....my daily reminder I am loved.  Their laughter cheers me!

My beautiful daughter has been thru so much.  She was gravely ill from 2003 till 2005.  She was 15.  We spent most of it in a hospital in Cincinnati, Ohio.  They could not treat her in our town.  She was air-ambulanced as I made the long drive from Charlotte.  I am so happy to say she is doing well.  I could not work during this time, and I have credit card debt that has gone up in smoke!  I own a home, a lovely home.  I am being sued in court for money I don't have.  I couldn't work, I had a sick child.....and now I find myself drowning.  I work full time and have always been a kind, caring, loving person.  A responsible person who always gives more than she takes.  I'm heartbroken at where I am in life.

I lost my mother and then my husband baled.  A pain I never thought I could overcome....but my beloved children became my reason for living....the reason you get out of bed in the morning and dry your tears before they see you.  The reason you stand at the bus stop waiting for them to come home.  Going thru that alone was so difficult, but when she got sick, that was a challenge only God could see us through...........and he did. 

I found my solace in raising my kids, working and supporting my household.  Now it's all coming apart I fear.  I look daily for signs that God has not forgotten me, and I work hard to remind myself he understands this place I dwell.

I'm scared.  I talk bankruptcy but my circumstances leave me falling through the cracks.  My debtors want more than I can offer.  I know we all have these sad stories that leave us wondering why? Why is everything so overwhelming and frightening. 

I have many wonderful blessings, it's so important to remember these at these challenging times.  I have a family that loves me.  I find myself shutting them out as to not bring them down.  I have 2 cars that are falling apart.  Did I mention how much I miss my mom?  After losing mom, my dad did find Love again.  I'm so happy for him; you want the people you love to be loved and not lonely.  I miss Love.....that wonderful unconditional feeling of being cared for and watched after; that smile that completes your day.  I threw so much of me into my children, I fear I lost myself as well......but I remember Love, from one soul to another.  I have been blessed to know what real love is all about, although it did not turn out to be forever, I can still only be grateful.

Faith:  It's what drives me, even through all these overwhelming things.  I am a believer, I know I am not alone.  Please remember you are not alone.

Yes, I'm sad.  I'm lonely and the world feels like such a big place for such a small me.  I am grateful though, my heart feels grateful.  I can't tell you why.....I don't know why.

To the Universe I say, remain hopeful Lori, for this too shall pass.  A friend reminded me recently "all in God's time"....I pray God hears my cries, that he sends me the answers I need.....for my spirit is hurting.  Please hear my call.

For those that read this...thank you for reading and listening.

I remain, hopeful.

God Bless

malori33 malori33 46-50, F 3 Responses Oct 10, 2008

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love the story and thank you for shareing it. im glad u still have faith and stay strong =]

Thank you for sharing. I am sending positive energy your way. Sounds like you are going through some rough stuff but also have many blessings.

Remember - what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I wish you all the best xxx

You are an incredible person. I share some similarities. Keep your faith and look at your children for strength. God Bless