This Maddening State

you could call me lucky. you could call me blessed. you could cal me gifted, but that would make me laugh just too hard at you.

i am one of those people that gets what they want whether they like it or not or even if they don't know they want it at all.

i'm one of those people that can solve the problem by the most convoluted means.

school came so naturally to me that i didn't even have to try and easily made a' and b's.

learning.... now that's a different story.

a lot of times, it feels like things are just handed to me with very little work or effort on my part.

what has this got to do with being pagan? you ask.

 well, for me, everything.

my life has a flow to it that is just sitting in the periphery of my vision and refuses to step close enough to be identified.

when i'm living in that flow, things are right. magick permeates my very existence and i don't even see it.

there was a time, a stretch of several years, when i was not in my flow.... not in my proper life....where the devastation rained down. i gave into my desires to be normal, to be like everyone else, to try out a life that i knew wasn't mine.... and i and those around me have paid a very heavy price for that. 

i have since came back into my life and it moves as smoothly as life is capable of.

the problem with all of this is that it has created a very maddening and frustrating laziness in me.

i am also in a constant battle with some very deep seated fears.

i want to learn. i want to memorize. i want to get past the basics.

i want to do it all without putting forth the effort. 

and that is the most maddening thing!

it makes me want to knock my head against the wall until i knock some sense into me.

some would say that the lack of effort suggests that i should give up my path or that i don't really want to follow it.

the truth is, when i think of my life before it and without it, i am saddened.

i've pushed myself into a form of isolation to make sure that the desire to pursue is coming from me and not my desire to conform to anothers view of me.

i have a love for my goddess and my beloved that has grown and i have wild thoughts of devoting myself to them solely.

i have a plethora of material to study and notebook upon notebook to use for analysis and notes.

but the drive to undertake comes and goes, at best.

i don't know if i'm actually seeking any insight from you on this or if i simply needed to get it all down in one coherent, cohesive form. opinions and suggestions are welcome, of course, or if you are experiencing this too, i hope it triggers that switch of introspection so that you can move past this. i'm hoping that i have managed to throw my own switch.  

bluros bluros
31-35, F
3 Responses Feb 24, 2009

I like your story very much. I especially like the fact that you know the difference between "remembering", (i.e. the stuff you were fed in school), and real "learning". I also admire the fact that you do your homework meticulously, by study, journalising, notes and deep thinking, but at the same time you are aware of Magick, and that some things simply are not cerebral, but innate.<BR><BR>Fear is something I have fought for many, many years - fear of failure, fear of success and the stress of worry (which is a form of fear). I still fear, but I've learned a little about it which I hope you won't mind my sharing.<BR><BR>Fear is meant to be a positive thing. It is not meant to cripple us. The emotion of fear will never leave us, but must be recognised and used to our advantage. It keeps us from harm, it recognises danger, it allows us to take preventive action, it makes us research situations carefully, it allows us to be prepared. Through fear we can recognise scams, risks, deceit. But when it starts to cripple us, it becomes a negative thing. By this I mean things like staying in a bad relationship for fear of loneliness. Not entering into a new relationship for fear of being hurt. Not entering a competition for fear of failure. Not sending your manuscript to the publisher for fear of rejection. Not speaking out for fear of criticism. Not pursuing you favourite interests for fear your results will not be "good enough". When I feel fear, I ask myself, what am I afraid of? Tracing the emotion back to its true source lets you know if your fear is positive or negative. And is thus very liberating.<BR>I try not to let my fear use me. Wherever possible, I use my fear.

thank you both for commenting!<br />
and it's been a looong time since i was able to get on ep on a regular basis again. it was crashing my other laptop within seconds of logging in. a new laptop and a dsl connection have seemed to fix things.<br />
and i share some of those same fears of failure and that insecurity, issues i've been battling against for quite some time.<br />
i would like to say that i don't know how to overcome them, but i have the sneaking suspicion that if i do the work then i may be able to defeat them.<br />
but then, i think, that a part of me is scared to live without them.

Reading this, i felt inspired, i also felt you have lost a bit of lifes journey, and subconciously praying you will find light at the end of it, may i reasure you that you will find your true vocation and be led to the path that has been designed for you from the start.