All My Life......

I am a shy quiet person. I go weeks where the only actual person I speak to is my husband. I text my sister and occasionally talk to my mom on the phone, but it is becoming more awkward since my dad died three years ago. I play Everquest 2 in an active guild, and I have a hard time talking to them. When new people join I just retreat and I know it makes me look rude, but I don't know how to not be this way. I have tried telling people that I am really really shy in the past, but they always reply with, "You don't need to be shy around me," which make me feel more shy because I can't just stop feeling shy. I feel lost and alone, but I can't share that with anyone besides my husband because it make them feel sad for me and that is so not what I want. I grew up in the seventies, I was the chubby kid that stuttered, went to speech therapy, and liked to read. I have never fit in anywhere, the closest I came was in art classes in college. I am sick a lot and have had many surgeries. I am tired of not knowing what to say, I am tired of this life. I am so tired.